A Day In The Life, Unlife, Existence
by Popeland
Summary: How will the LoK characters cope with life on Earth? There's only one way to find out... Final chapter up! Featuring: Still the Wedding, The Choice and the Sarafan Lord with biscuits, lots of biscuits.
1. Return of the dead guy

Diclaimer: I do not own LoK  
Popeland: Hello  
Since I have hit major writers block on the rest of my stories I have decided to start another fanfiction which hopefully will help me over that accursed writers block  
Raziel: my destiny is an amussement to you?  
Popeland: yep, but don't worry eveyones destiny is an amusement to me, anyway this is break from my usual writing style, I hope you like it.  
This story finds it's beginning on one Tuesday morning in the bowels of hell  
  
Atak col Gibson the electric demon was working at the gates of hell on this day. He liked working the gates because nothing bad can possibly go wrong. Five minutes after he started his shift a huge shadow fell across his desk  
"Greetings Atak col Gibson" the demon muttered  
"Oh hi Hash didn't see you there" said Atak looking up from his desk  
"I need to go out for a while...... to get tea bags...... yes......tea bags"  
"I hope you not going out to doom any planets" Atak laughed  
"WHO TOLD YOU!!" Hash said hash in disbelief  
"I was joking"  
"a..........er...... as was I.... What funny men we are...ha ha...... but now I must go...... for milk"  
"I thought you needed tea bags"  
"Look I need a lot of things all right!"  
Atak opened the gates and hash stormed out  
Nice fellow Atak thought to himself  
  
Surprisingly Hash actually did doom a planet, the Demonic Times claimed that Hash ak Gik had doomed the planet of Nosgoth by destroying some circle, Atak col Gibson was immediately demoted even though he put up quiet a good defense claiming that worlds which depended on geometrical shapes deserved to be doomed. For a while the whole Nosgoth issue was forgotten until that the Sarafan lord escaped claiming he just had to use the bathroom and would be back in five minutes. Another embarrassing instance was that one with Raziel. Dead, alive dead, alive, dead, alive he couldn't make up his mind!. The Hell Council decided that Nosgoth was more trouble than it was worth and decided to send anyone from Nosgoth to a different planet and pretend they never existed. The only problem was were to send those psychos. A planet was chosen out of millions, Earth. The reasons given by top demonic official was that   
"The people of this planet should be punished for their complete lack of imagination, I mean Earth? They're just not trying hard enough!"  
And so it was anyone from Nosgoth would be sent to Earth, which may sound like a lot of people but all the peasants in the game were the same person  
  
Kain awoke beside a burning sulfurous lake.   
"Juggle with the soul Reaver! What a great idea!" Kain thought to himself angrily.   
Now he was dead ..... well more dead than normal. Still hell wasn't all that bad, a bit stuffy though . he surveyed his surrounding, a small desk with the word "Arrivals" written over it caught his attention, since it didn't really fit in with the whole eternal damnation and eternal suffering vibe this place had going. Kain walked over to it.   
"Fill out this form" said a gas demon in a suicidedly dull tone while still looking at his paper work. Kain took the form. It was pretty straight forward, name, age, species ect.   
"Finished" Kain said triumphantly after 10 minutes of trying to remember where he used to live, he knew he spent mist of his time in the sancturary of the clans but he surely didn't live there, in the end he just wrote down meridian because he owned a small holiday home there  
The demon snatched the form from Kains hands .after a few minutes of reading the demon finally said  
"........errrrr could you stay here for a minute."  
The demon then proceed to run off but moments he returned with several black demons. The demons grabbed him and dragged him off  
"Let go of me!!!" Kain roared. But a few seconds later he was thrown into a portal. The demons breathed a collective sigh of relief. The black demons quickly ran off to report the goings on to the great demon lord while the gas demon exploded, some said a burning sulfurous land was bad for gas demon health while others just said someone up there has a strange sense of humor  
  
Twas a quiet day in the 100 acre wood, Winnie the Pooh had just found some honey and was eating it quiet happily. Suddenly Moebius jumped out from behind a tree   
"Hah! You fool the honey was poisoned!! How did you think you would out smart me the time streamer?! I knew you would steal the honey even before you did, You toxic creature!"  
Winnie the Pooh began to stagger around and he finally fell over  
Moebius celebrated wildly over the defeat of his arch enemy. During his victory dance he heard a faint noise steadily getting louder  
".........aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Moebius couldn't help but notice that his old arch enemy Kain was hurtling to the ground. Moebius jumped behind the tree once again  
Kain landed with quite a crash, he probaly wouldn't have gotten up so quickly if he hadn't landed in that small ornametal pond  
OW!!!!! .......Where am I? He said to himself. He then noticed he was holding a lot of paper in his hand  
One of which was a note  
  
Dear NOSGOTH RESIDENT  
You may be wondering why you are here, well we here at hell think you are very special so we have decided to give you a new life. You will find you now have your own house at NO. 152 ELDERBERRY AVENUE. We hope you enjoy your stay here on earth  
  
From Atak col Gibson   
Senior Janitor  
  
"Earth is it? It will soon be mine!" Kain said to himself  
"Go tell them Kain is here!" He shouted at a passing squirrel  
"Squeak" it replied  
"Fine I'll do it my self"! Kain walked off, carefully avoiding the bodies of tiger and piglet  
Moebius stepped out from behind the tree   
"So Kain has returned? Well it will be a very short stay!"   
Moebius turned around and was confronted by a rather annoyed Winne the Pooh  
"No! put the honey pot down! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
Kain walked down the streets of elderberry avenue. No one was on the streets in fact the only person he saw was Janos sitting in a tree house surrounded by Sarafan  
"He's has to come down at some point" shouted the Sarafan Raziel  
"You know if we had ropes we could just..." began the Sarafan Turel  
"Silence! I'm sick of your stupid ideas! I mean what would we do with ropes? Fine you tie it to a high branch then what?!"  
The Sarafan Turel hung his head in shame  
"See! You hadn't thought that far ahead had you!"  
"Couldn't we climb up the rope then?" Said the Sarafan Zephon  
"What?! do you see these hands!" Said the Sarafan Raziel. "These hands don't climb ropes, ladders or use a crossbows! So we're just going to stand here and wait for him to come down! Understand!"  
The Sarafan nodded  
Kain decided not to help Janos, sure if he really wanted them to leave he could just thow hearts at them until they left  
Not long after Kain found his house. It was not as impressive as the sanctuary of the clans but it wasn't haunted by a half rotted ghost so it was quiet a step up.  
Kain took in a deep breath an stepped in  
  
David Henderson had worked for Trans-Global Advertising for 5 years now. He finally had his own office but more importantly he had his own swivel chair which was the only reason he worked at Trans-Global Advertising. He looked at he schedule, ah yes today he would be interviewing people for that new shampoo commercial. Not too hard, just give it to the first person who walks in.   
"Lizzy, is there anyone here for the interview yet"  
There was no response  
"Hello?"  
"Oh sorry, well..... there is.... Something here" the secretary finally replied  
"Well send them in then"  
David suddenly realized the room had gotten noticeably darker as the hooded figure enter  
"Er...... please sit down......Mr.?"  
"Mortainius" the figure responded  
"Well that's ........an unusual name"  
"Yes"  
David Henderson didn't like the look of this man, he looked....... Well he looked undernourished and not well suited for advertising shampoo  
"o.k...... lets get down to business, do you have any previous acting experience"  
"no"  
"oh really? Well what was your previous occupation then?"  
"I was a necromancer"  
"Hmmmmmmm.... neck romancing, sounds very..... specialist "  
"Indeed it was"  
"So why did you leave your last job?"  
"I was possessed by a demonic entity"  
"Ah marriage, I suppose you met her through the neck romancing"  
"Met who?"  
"Ah never mind, So where did you work then?'  
"At the Pillars of Nosgoth'  
"Pillars of Nosgoth?, is that the new place down the back of Caple Street?"  
"No"  
"Well not that I'd know anything about those kinds of places" David laughed as he leaned back in his chair  
"....what kind of places"  
"....well you know....the places where." David followed up this sentence with a few universal hand gestures  
Mortainius eyes glowed red in rage  
"What are you doing?!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed david  
Mortainius strode out of the room a few minutes later  
"......lizzy could you please come in here?" Said David's voice over the intercom  
Lizzy entered the room, but it was empty  
"sir?"  
"Er......... down here" muttered the soul of David Henderson now eternally bounded with a swivel chair  
Janos looked down from the tree house at the Sarafan below him.  
"Janos Audron" said a voice from behind him  
Janos turned around   
"Raziel? My child what have they done to you?"  
"I have been to hell and back, and then to hell again and then back, and then to hell once more and back, apparently they weren't very happy about it"  
"Raziel.... How did you get up here?"  
"Oh there's a stairs around the back"  
"Were you followed?"  
"I don't think so"  
Janos could now hear voices outside  
"Break down the door!"  
"But I just had a manicure"  
"Well kick it down then!"  
Janos sighed pushed Raziel out of the tree house and then flew away himself  
"Come back here foul beast!" shouted the Sarafan Raziel  
"Can't we just walk around and find a black heart which isn't in Janos" asked the Sarafan Melchiah 'I mean there not that hard to find"  
"Yeah I heard there was the vampire guy who has like fifty of them" said the Sarafan Dumah  
The Sarafan Raziel stamped his foot   
"But I want that one!!!" he cried  
So theres chapter 1, please R & R!!!  
Also I am really, really, really bad at titles so any suggestions will be gladly accepted 


	2. The Physic Norse

Popeland: Huzzah!  
Hit by inspiration I managed to write the entire next chapter! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and to those who didn't REVIEW!!!! Anyway he's chapter 2: The Physic Norse  
  
  
Kain strolled down the hall of his house. Kain was convinced The house was a cunning area of devious traps and puzzles after getting trapped in a closet for an hour. But there was also something significantly wrong about the house as he realized when he tried to get upstairs. The problem wasn't that he couldn't get up the stairs but it was that it was... different. He didn't even need to push a block around or flick a switch....all he needed to do was walk up them. Yes something was definitely wrong. Kain came to the bathroom door and overcame one of the most devious puzzles he had thus yet encountered  
Ah, so you turn the door handle to the left he muttered to himself  
This I deduced must be the houses Chronoplast chamber Kain said to himself, as he always had a habit of doing voice-overs at the most inappropriate moments, the bright shining surfaces assaulted my vampiric sense but after a while I was able to fully view my surroundings  
Kain looked around only to see a sink ,a toilet and a shower. Kain recognized the sink and the toilet since although hygiene was quiet lax in some areas they were common enough in Nosgoth.  
Kain walked into the shower and begin to speak again  
This arcane symbols and dials must control the era you travel to.... I decided it would it be easier to take this world before the arrival of my enemies.  
Kain began rotate the dials on the shower and then he pressed the power button  
And so the ancient machinery came to life with steadily growing noise .....wait a minute is that water? ....ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
Moebius walked into the hall still a little dazed after his confrontation with that accursed bear. It had taken him 3 hours to get that honey pot off his head. And he was sure someone had pushed him as well. Moebius decided to forgot Winnie the Pooh for now. He made his way to the front of the room  
"Order! Order!" Moebius shouted . the audience fell silent  
"As I'm sure you all know Kain has arrived in elderberry avenue!!"  
The audience were silent  
Kain! Remember the guy who killed us all?  
There was a general murmur of "ah right him" and "oh that really white scary looking chap" from the audience  
"Anyway" Moebius continued on "it is our duty to kill him!"  
"Why is that?" said Anarcrothe guardian of estates  
"Because we're the A.K.L!!"  
The audience fell silent again  
"The Anti Kain League!!"  
"Oh I thought that stood for Against killing Lemmings" said Nupraptor the dentalist  
"Oh come on!" Moebius sighed "o.k if any joined because they thought this was against killing lemmings leave now!"  
And with that everyone left  
Fine I don't need any of you!!! Moebius shouted after them you'll see  
Moebius sat in the darkened hall for a while. A few minutes later he stood up. He knew what he had to do  
  
  
Two days had passed since Kain had arrived at earth and he now believed he was getting the hang of this house place now. He had mastered the toaster although he still wasn't quiet sure what you did with the toast, so far he had made toast nearly every hour and stacked in a corner. One day he would find a use for it and then all would be his... this pleasant train of thought was interrupted by the doorbell. The postman no doubt Kain thought to himself happily as walked to the door. Usually Kain would have killed a man who comes to his house everyday but he tolerated the postman, for the postman brought the readers digest  
But as Kain opened the door he was met by an extremely familiar face  
"Marcus!" Kain said in disbelief  
"Ah! So rumors are true Kain stalks the streets of elderberry avenue!"  
"Pah! I should have killed you long ago!"  
"...you did"  
"Oh yeah"  
"But it is no matter! My powers now over shadow yours"  
Kain felt a presence forcing its way into his mind but he managed to block it   
"Damn! Your powers have also increased!" Marcus said angrily "But no matter! I now no what you want Kain!"  
Kain knew Marcus must have been able to read his thoughts just like all those years ago in meridian.   
"You desire the readers digest" Marcus hissed "but you shall not have it!"  
Marcus laughed and used his metal powers to make two crows attack Kain while he made his escape  
Kain sighed and closed the door soon after there were two noises which sounded like two birds flying into a door.  
  
  
  
"And here's my final thought for the day"  
"The world shall be bathed in blood as the firstborn are slaughter to appease me!" Roared Hash ak Gik  
The audience clapped and shouted ecstatically  
"Tomorrow on the Hash ak Gik show:  
I'm his first wife, You're the blood sacrifice!"  
The stage went dark and the audience began to filter out of the studio  
"The Camera Loves you!" Shouted the director to the giant black demon, the unspoken, the head of Channel 666 broadcasting.... Hash ak Gik  
"They better love me or there chants of abuse will be drowned out by their screams of pain!"  
The director snapped his fingers. ?That's a great name for next months show! Why wrestlers can't find true love."  
Hash shrugged. He never understood marketing.  
"Mr. Gik sir there's a phone call for you on line one" said on of the stage workers  
"Who would dare disturb me during work hours! I seek a terrible vengeance upon them!"  
"Its you wife"  
"Crap! Tell her I'm not here!"  
The stage worker began to talk into the phone and seconds later the was a blinding flash followed by horrible piercing screams as all the studio workers were reduced to smoldering piles of ash  
Hash gingerly picked up the phone from a nearby pile of scorched bones  
"Hello honey"  
"Oh hi Hashy" the voice replied happily "just calling to tell you its fish for diner tonight, don't be late" and with that she hung up  
Hash dropped the phone to the ground and felt a great sadness as he looked around the studio were so many had just perished  
He suppressed a sob but moments later he cried out  
"BUT I DON'T LIKE FISH!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Marcus sat in his room sitting on his bed..... watching the readers digest  
"Yes Kain will arrive soon" he said to himself "he will......."  
  
  
A single figure could be seen silhouetted in the lamplight outside Sea World. A mysterious hooded man pried the back door open and proceeded down the murky halls. As he neared his destination a voice could heard  
"I am the wheel of fortune it said forever spinning, who will win a thousand and who a million? But alas those who don't compete are doomed as I can not spin the wheel of fortune for them"  
As the figure neared his destination the voice of the Elder God said  
"Ahh Moebius my loyal servant"  
"My Lord how did you know it was I?" Moebius asked in awe  
"I have my ways" the Elder god replied. This trick never failed to amaze Moebius, luckily for the elder god no one had ever told him that weird little number eight on his forehead glowed in the dark  
"Anyway what news do you bring?"  
"My Lord, Kain is here" said Moebius in his most dramatic voice  
"Who?"  
"You must remember! The evil vampire lord of Nosgoth!"  
"Moebius I warn you do not bore me with your mortal matters!"  
"But, but.."  
"Silence! You will leave now!"  
Moebius hung his head  
"yes my lord"  
Moebius walked to the exit of sea world. The voice of the elder resumed its speech.   
"I am the hub of the wheel. A Wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning. The wheel must spin 3 times.........free spin. The wheel continues......"  
Moebius was extremely depressed. Forsaken by his god, forsaken by his allies. His crusade against Kain would be a lonely one. Moebius looked at his new digital watch in disgust. He was beginning to regret trading his staff for it.........  
  
  
Popeland: The tension is unbearable!! Will Kain ever get his reader digest back? Will Moebius succeed in his evil plans?   
Tune in next chapter!  
  
P.S Please R&R!!! 


	3. The Brothers Dim

Popeland: Chapter 3! HUZZAH!! Thanks for reviewing once again!   
So now prepare yourselves for chapter 3: The Brothers Dim!  
  
"You're the only one who understands me!!" The Sarafan lord shouted at a biscuit he held in his hand "I love you!!"  
Sebastian stood in the doorway looking worried. The Sarafan lord had been like this they put out that weird green fire that surrounded his head. At first it was just funny but now it was just weird. Faustus was there too but Marcus had proved unreachable. Sebastian shook his head and made his way downstairs where he met a rather excited Faustus  
"I have a plan!!"  
"For the last time standing on furnaces throwing grenades won't help!"  
"But it might.."  
"Look, do you remember the last time you tried that? In the orphanage?"  
"But I've perfected my method since then!"  
"Faustus, using more explosives hasn't really perfected your method."  
"Yeah but....."  
"EXPLOISIVES AREN'T ALWAYS THE ANSWER!!"  
"...you've lost me"  
".......just look after the the boss while I'm gone."  
"Where are you going? For explosives?!"  
Sebastian looked at Faustus's face and sighed ...... "yes I'm going for explosives"  
Faustus smiled and wandered upstairs  
Sebastian got his coat and left the house. He looked up to the first floor window and saw the Sarafan lord dancing with that damn biscuit again. Something had to be done, and before there were any marriage proposals  
  
  
Rahab was sitting in Kains living room looking nervous. He should have guessed the add for experienced vampire lieutenants was by Kain. He looked across the room at the only other applicant. Whatever it was it was deranged and mutilated and seemed to have a giant teapot tied to his back. Every so often he would shout out "MEAT!!" for no apparent reason. Kain was in the kitchen getting food. though Rahab noticed that there was an awful lot of screams, which may bother some people but when you're a vampire you get used to these things. Kain walked in moments later which the food still twitching on the plate  
"Toast anyone?" He asked  
Rahab looked cautiously at the toast, it looked back  
"Err....... No thanks"  
"Fair enough, Magnus?"  
"MEAT!!"  
"Sorry, no meat today"  
Magnus looked thoughtful as he wondered how he could convey his feelings towards this situation  
"MEAT!!"  
"I'm glad to see you understand, anyway I have called you here because you are my most trusted vampire lieutenants"  
"MEAT!!"  
"No, really I mean it, I am going to rebuild my dark empire here in elderberry avenue"  
"MEAT!!"  
"Well not only elderberry avenue but I'll start here. As my vampire lieutenants your first duty is to go scout for information. Seek out my enemies so I can destroy them!!"  
"MEAT!!"  
"No that's after scouting, now go!!"  
Rahab and Magnus got up and left Kains house.  
"So...... do you want to get something to drink before we go scouting?" asked Rahab  
"MEAT!!"  
"I'll take that as a yes"  
They walked to the nearest bar which just happened to be "The Seer Inn"  
  
  
Marcus eyes were bloodshot yet he was still watching the readers digest. He had stopped blinking 5 hours ago after realizing that Kain might reclaim the readers digest while his eyes were closed  
"Missed an opportunity there Kain!" Marcus screamed to no one in particular   
Marcus lifted up his cup of coffee and took a sip.   
Yes Kain will be here any moment now  
  
  
Sebastian was sitting in the seer inn when Magnus and Rahab arrived. But luckily Rahab and Magnus were distracted by the rather underdressed seer.  
"Hello? Can I help you?" The seer asked  
"I'll have a beer, how about you Magnus?"  
"A FINE FRENCH WINE!!"  
The seer left and returned moments later with the drinks.   
AH! 87 WAS AGOOD WINE YEAR!!" Magnus shouted thoughtfully   
Rahab took a sip of the beer and was rather disappointed. There was so little alcohol in it that if you were allergic to alcohol this beer would actually improve your health.   
"Drink my dark prince" said the seer encouragingly  
"don't rush me" replied rahab angrily  
It was at this point Sebastian called the seer over to his table  
"I am in need of your services" he whispered  
"Satisfaction guaranteed" she winked at him  
"No not those services! You fortune telling one!"  
"Oh right those......"  
"I need to know how to help to Sarafan lord"  
"What! I hate him! He burned down my house! And just after I paid off my mortgage!"  
"..... so you won't help?"  
"Indeed I won't!"  
"Fine then!"  
Sebastian stood up angrily and walked towards the door.   
"And for god sake woman, put on some proper clothes! You'll catch your death like that!" He shouted as he left  
hey magnus?  
MEAT?!!  
Was that sebastian that just left?  
MEAT!!  
The sebastian who isone of kains most hated enemies?  
MEAT!!  
I see.... He put on weight didn't he?  
  
  
Kain sat in his kitchen . It had been a rather uneventful day, well apart from a minor toast uprising lead by some of the older toasts. the doorbell rang. Kain quickly jumped to his feet hoping it was Rahab or Magnus with information. Instead Kain opened the door only to met a man he had never seen before  
"Ah you must be Kain" the man said   
"I am" Kain replied. Kain couldn't place the voice , it was certainly familiar but he had never seen this man before, he would surly remember a man with strange blue robes ,an infinity sign on his forehead and a mustache which seemed to held on by a piece of tape  
"Would you be interested in A GLASS OF WATER!!" The man screamed as he threw a bucket of water at Kains face  
"Err..... no" replied a slightly wet Kain  
"Ah....er.... HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LIGHT IN YOUR UN LIFE!" The man screamed before turning on a small torch and shining it in Kain's face  
"Could you please stop that...."  
"......... well...... er..... FEELING A CHILLY!" the man screamed as he picked up a flame thrower, but it was at this unfortunate moment the man sneezed.  
"Moebius!!" Kain shouted  
Moebius looked around only to see a faint mustache shape blow away in the wind   
"K..k...kain!! I warn you! No closer!" Moebius stuttered as he backed away quickly  
"I shall destroy you where you stand old man!"  
"That's what you think!" said Moebius bravely "I still have one trick up my sleeve!"  
The air around Moebius's hand shimmered and his staff appeared  
"Arghhh! That Accursed staff!..... wait that's not even your real staff! Its just a light bulb on top of a sweeping brush!"  
Moebius merely smiled and kicked Kain squarely between the legs  
Kain let out a small whimper before falling to the ground.  
Moebius breathed a sigh of relief, that was a close one he thought to himself as he stuffed Kain into a rather large duffel bag. he really would have to get his staff back soon, his foot was getting sore.  
Popeland: *Gasp* Kain captured? Whatever will happen next?!  
Tune in next chapter!  
  
READ AND REVIEW!! PLEASE!!! 


	4. The pain of Kain

Popeland: Huzzah!  
Sorry about the delay with this chapter. It was delayed because.....well because I hadn't it written. Thanks for reviewing everyone!!  
Oh yeah someone requested my password in the fanfiction login. If you really wanted to know my password that much you could have just asked..... I wouldn't have told you but I'd know who wanted to know and then I'd kill you!! BWAHAHAHA!! But anyway here's chapter 4: The Pain of Kain  
  
  
"Get your vengeance! Vengeance for an eternity of suffering!!"  
Quite a queue had formed on the street waiting for their go  
"Ahhh Mortainius glad you could make it" Moebius smiled  
"Yeah, yeah whatever, how much?"  
"Normally 50$, but for you.... still 50$"  
Mortainius glared at him  
"Did I say 50$? I meant 30$"  
Mortainius continued to glare at him  
".....Free....... But you have to by a Moebius hat!"  
"Fine then...."  
Mortainius picked up a balloon. And looked at Kain  
"It's pay back time..."  
"For what!!" Kain shouted  
"....errr...... for killing me!"  
"But you wanted me to kill you!"  
"That's not the point!"  
"How is it not the point?!!"  
"Well....its..... its....."  
Mortainius looked thoughtful  
".....hey wait a minute, it's all Moebius's fault we're here!!!"  
"Yes! Exactly!" shouted Kain triumphantly ".... hey no! ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"  
"still it would have been a shame to waste my go...." Said Mortainius as he walked away wearing his new Moebius hat  
  
  
  
Sebastian couldn't help but notice that his house now seemed to be in the center of a giant crater. Perhaps leaving Faustus in charge wasn't such a good idea after all  
After a few minutes walking through the remnants of the houses he meet the slightly charred Faustus  
"I don't know what could have gone wrong" Faustus mumbled to himself  
"You idiot! You killed the boss! Now we're going to have to get real jobs!"  
"That's not that bad.."  
"Remember your last job? The retirement home?"  
"Hey that was one time! Anyway what was I supposed to do when someone asked me to open the window?!"  
"Well I doubt they were expecting you to attach c4 to it!"  
There was a sudden movement in the wreckage of there former house. The Sarafan lord clawed his way out of the rubble  
"Ah, loyal Faustus you have returned me to my former self. Your were the only one who even tried to help me"  
"What about me!!" Sebastian shouted in dismay  
"You?! Pah! you wretch who abandoned me! Faustus you are now my senior lieutenant"  
"Hurrah!"cheered Faustus  
"And now I will rebuild my dark empire....... Possibly in a gingerbread house...."  
he smiled dreamily to himself as he stumbled off  
  
  
Moebius had Kain thrown into the eternal prison (broom closet) once he got back to his house. But he not been back 5 minutes when his door was beaten down  
"R.r..raziel!" Moebius said in disbelief  
"Silence Moebius!" Raziel shouted, "I know all about your sordid little scheme!"  
From the depths of the eternal broom closet Kain could hear Raziel  
"Raziel I don't know what your talking about!" said Moebius  
"Oh really? Do not take me for a fool Moebius! The game is up!"  
Finally I will be free and then I will take my revenge on Moebius thought Kain as he waited for Raziel to free him  
"Moebius you know its your turn to feed the elder god!"  
"....what?.. oh that, right I'll do that straight away"  
"NO DON'T LEAVE!! I'M IN HERE!! SAVE ME!!!" Kain screamed from the eternal broom closet  
"I must be off said Raziel I have to go see Janos's new place"  
Moebius watched Raziel leave. He noticed six Sarafan jump out off bushes and sneak after him  
  
  
  
Everything was frozen yet Marcus was still sitting down in his room watching the readers digest. He had everything frozen solid to prevent any mist from forming thereby enabling Kain to use his mist form to sneak in and reclaim the readers digest  
"M..m..missed an op..oportunity there Kain.." Marcus said to himself as he shivered uncontrollably  
Yes Kain would be here soon  
  
  
  
Images flickered before his eyes. He could he faint noises but he knew little else of where he was  
"Look! Look I've found his right arm!" Said an excited female voice  
"Finally! Now this vital project can be completed and we no longer have to live in fear!" Said a second voice  
"where was it?" said another voice  
"Oh I was using it to hold up the table"  
"...oh you better put it back then"  
his consciousness slipped away. Darkness. After what seemed like an eternity he awoke. A strange figure stood over him  
"do remember who you are?" the voice of bane inquired  
"..... I am Malek"  
"no,no! Your ROBO- Malek!"  
Malek looked thoughtful  
"... no I'm pretty sure I'm just Malek"  
"but you a robot now!"  
"No I'm not, you just super glued me back together"  
"Yes I know, but we taped a flashlight to your arm as well! Therefore making you a robot!"  
Malek looked at his arm  
"...errr.. there's no flashlight on my arm"  
Bane narrowed his eyes  
"Fine, you win this round..... but next time you won't be so lucky!"  
Anarcrothe walked into the room holding a teacup  
"Hey we're out of teabags, oh hi Malek"  
"Hello, Sir Anarcrothe"  
Bane turned to Anarcrothe in triumph  
"Do you under stand what this means?! With Malek under our control again we can rule the world!!"  
"Let's get our priorities straight. Tea first, World domination later"  
"Yes, your right. MALEK!! To the Shops!!!"  
  
  
Popeland: oh my god! Anything could happen!  
Tune in next chapter!!  
Please read and review!! 


	5. Vampiric Variations

Popeland: HUZZAH!!  
Chapter 5 is alive!!..... metaphoricaly speaking. Thanks for reviewing!! And now let me introuduce chapter 5: Vampiric Variations!!  
  
  
  
"Sir are you really sure this is a good way start your evil empire?"  
"Of course it is! now shhhh!! I hear someone"  
Sebastian and the Sarafan Lord were crouching in shadows waiting for someone to pass by. they could here footsteps coming closer  
"My reign of terror begins here!" hissed the Sarafan Lord  
He lept out in front of the approaching Rahab  
"HAVE A PAMPHLET!!" The Sarafan Lord screamed  
"Wah!!" said Rahab as he stumbled backwards  
"I the Sarafan lord will soon rule over this entire world! You will learn to fear me through a rigorous policy of public schooling!! You pitiful wretches shall be my slaves! And I will destroy this planet!.... I assume I have your vote?"  
"......err......yes?"  
"Excellent!"  
The Sarafan Lord jumped back into the shadows. Rahab stood there for a while looking confused. Finally he put the whole incident down to lack of alcohol and headed back towards the seer inn.  
The Sarafan Lord laughed evilly  
"See Sebastian. When the next regional election comes all will be mine!!"  
"......sir where's Faustus?"  
"I think he's over there"  
Sebastian eyes widened in horror. He jumped to his feet and ran out onto the street  
"FAUSTUS THAT'S A HOSPITAL!!! DON'T..."  
Sebastian was interrupted by an extremely loud explosion  
"DON'T WORRY!! IT WAS NO PROBLEM OPENING THE DOOR FOR YOUUUUUuuuuuuuuu.........." Faustus shouted at someone as he was hurtled across the sky.  
  
  
Marcus sat in his room watching the readers digest. He had gotten the entire room to be filled with concrete in case Kain teleported in and reclaimed the readers.  
"Mmmf mf mmff mff!!" Marcus said to himself.  
Yes Kain would arrive soon  
  
  
Turel was asleep in his room.   
"Turel..." the voice of Kain whispered in his head.  
"AHHH!!" Turel screamed and sat bolt upright  
"Don't be frightened, I am using the whisper"  
"The wha?"  
"The whisper, the natural ability of vampires"  
"Never heard of it....."  
Kain sighed. This is going to taken a long time........ if only he could reach Vorador...  
  
  
Vorador was sitting in his mansion  
"You are connected to whisper chat. Hot action all day long" a voice in his head said  
"Someone was trying to contact him but it couldn't be that important since they had only tried fifteen times... ok now sixteen... he was about to think up a valid excuse for not answering but that would lower chat up time  
"Sooo... what are you wearing"  
"Nothing at all.... Since I'm just a set of living armor"  
"Really..... how's that working out for you?"  
"Quiet well actually ,right now I'm standing behind my arch enemy about to kill him"  
"How are you going to kill him... hehehe..."  
"With a sword..."  
"Would this be a ..hehehe...special sort of sword.......heheh"  
"Vorador you sick old pervert! Its me, Malek! Standing behind you about to cut off your head!!!" shouted Malek  
"Hehe.....speaking of head.."  
Malek screamed and decapitated Vorador. Voradors head fell to the ground and rolled around for awhile  
"Victory!!" shouted Malek  
Vorador head stopped rolling  
"...was it as good for you as it was for me?......hehehe..."  
"NO!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! screamed Malek before he jumped out the window  
  
  
"Understand?" said Kains voice  
"Yep I think I've gotten it. So I have to rescue you because Moebius captured you and locked you in a broom closet?"  
"NO!! it was Moebius and sixty black demons!! Then I killed all of them but Moebius had trapped me!"  
"...right, so I have to go open the door"  
"No!! you have to remove the enchantments form the fifty foot thick steel doors"  
"And I do that how?"  
"Well you....er....turn the door handle..... the MYSTIC door handle!"  
"Right..."  
"...still I am just testing you because I could escape this easily you understand?"  
"yeah.."   
Turel could no longer hear Kains voice. He got up and walked over to the door.  
"Hello!!" He shouted as he knocked on the door  
Turel stood back and a man entered  
"What is it now?" the man sighed  
"Doctor, I have to go on a mission to rescue Kain! he is locked in a broom closet"  
The doctor raised his eyebrows  
"...and how did Kain tell you this?"  
"He used the whisper!! The natural ability of all vampires!"  
"...right"  
"you don't believe me shouted Turel but I'll prove it to you!!"  
Turel looked straight at the man  
"I'm wosing ta whispa" mumbled Turel  
The man held his hand up to his forehead and sighed  
"Turel your just trying to talk without moving your lips...."  
"No,no it ta whispa" mumbled Turel again  
"I think its time for you medication"  
"No wait!! Angus will tell you!! Angus tell him! Turel shouted as he pointed to the corner of the room See! See Angus agrees with me!!"  
"Nurse!" The man shouted "Mr. Turel needs his pills!"  
"No! No! you'll never catch me!" Turel laughed "I'm a butterfly! I'll fly away!"  
Turel started jumping at walls of his padded cell. Several men came in and gave him his pills And moments later Turel was asleep  
The doctor shook his head. This was nearly as bad as that time Turel kept saying the man with no jaw or stomach was coming to eat his soul  
  
  
The Sarafan Lord followed by Sebastian walked down the street towards his home  
"A glorious victory is in my grasp!" said the Sarafan lord  
"Yes sir" said Sebastian  
The Sarafan lord stopped by a telephone pole  
"Sebastian, another poster"  
Sebastian sighed and handed the Sarafan lord a poster which he put on the telephone pole  
"Sir about posters, do you really think they'll vote for you if you keep calling them wretches?"  
The Sarafan lord looked thoughtful  
"Yes" he finally replied  
Suddenly the Sarafan lord stopped dead with a look of horror upon his face  
"err....... Are you all right? Asked Sebastian"  
The Sarafan lord just pointed at two girl scouts selling cookies door to door  
"There're really nice" said one of them to the woman standing at the doorway  
"Here try one" said the other girl scout offering a cookie to the woman  
She took a bite  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Screamed the Sarafan lord as he ran toward them waving a sword "YOU MONSTERS!!!"  
The two girl scouts ran off screaming and the woman ran inside the house  
The Sarafan lord fell to his knees picking up the half eaten cookie  
"HE WAS TOO YOUNG!! He shouted before bursting into tears"  
Sebastian sighed  
"I hate my job" he said to himself   
  
  
Popeland:Will kain ever escape the eternal broom closet??  
Tune in nest chapter!  
Read and Review !!  
and also if you want me to include any LoK characters i have left out please tell me!! 


	6. Twister

Popeland: Huzzah!  
Chapter six is here!! Its been a long wait I know, but its been hard to keep the high standard of this fanfiction....... Hehe.....high standard, yeah right! But because of the delay he's a slightly longer chapter! Aren't I nice?  
But before I start the story let me frist thank my loyal reviewers Concept of a Demon, Lilith and Ganon, the only people to review my last chapter. Let these few be an example to others! ......in other words review!!! Please!!   
So here it is! Chapter 6: Twister....  
  
  
  
Umah was sitting down in the restaurant with her date  
"Would you like to order?" The waiter inquired  
Magnus lowered the menu from in front of his face  
"MEAT!! MEAT!! It must be poached! it must be fresh! It must be served with a white wine sauce!"  
"Very good choice, and the lady"  
"The same Umah" replied  
The waiter nodded and walked over to the kitchens  
"MEAT!!" Shouted Magnus  
"Ohhhhh.... Aren't we the charmer"  
"MEAT!!" Magnus shouted again  
Umah blushed  
"Your so sweet" she said  
They chatted for a while until Magnus said  
"MEAT!!"  
"What?!! Kains here?!" Umah said in disbelief  
"MEAT"!  
"Where is he?!"  
"MEAT!"  
Umah looked worried  
"I really must go" she said hurriedly  
"MEAT?"  
"No, this isn't an elaborate plot to make you pay the bill!" Umah shouted as she left the restaurant  
MEAT! Magnus sighed sadly   
  
  
Kain was still locked in the eternal broom closet  
"The darkness had long since enveloped me. Minutes became hours which became days which became years. I had long since realised I would never escape this accursed prison.."  
Suddenly the light flicked on and Moebius stepped in  
"Don't mind me. Just getting the vacuum cleaner" said Moebius in a happy voice  
"Well hurry up! I was having a deep moment"   
Moebius took the vacuum cleaner and left  
"Now where was I ah yes...Am I forever destined to haunt these cleaning products ......." He continued on for quite some time  
  
The Sarafan lord was standing over an open biscuit tin  
"Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. chocolate chip. I'm sorry to disturb you at such a late hour but... I have some bad news about your son"  
There was no reply from the biscuit tin so the Sarafan lord continued  
"I regret to inform you that your son was involved in .... In a brutal attack this morning and..... he died"  
The Sarafan lord could see the look of horror in the biscuits faces  
"I'd just like to inform you that we will track down the.. the... monsters responsible for this crime."  
"I'm sorry for your loss."  
The Sarafan lord closed the biscuit tin with a tear in his eye  
"Its just not fair dammit!" the Sarafan lord cried out  
"Sir its was only a biscuit" said Sebastian  
The Sarafan lord spun around with a look of rage in his eyes  
"How dare you! Just a biscuit!!! Are YOU just a biscuit to those who care about you?!"  
There was a pause  
"I'm not a biscuit...." Said Sebastian slowly   
"Exactly! You didn't know him! He may have been biscuity on the outside but he had a heart of chocolate! I know who will help us track down his murderers! Sebastian get my coat!"  
"......sir you don't have a coat"  
"well give me yours then!"  
Sebastian sighed   
"I hate my job"  
  
  
Tonight on the Hash ak Gik show!!  
"You raised me from the dead!  
Now I want cut off your head!"  
Hash ak Gik walked on stage  
"Greeting puny mortals!"   
"Today we investigate the cause of rise of creatures in the legions of the undead"  
"WOOO!" Shouted the audience as they clapped  
Let me introduce our first pitiful guest! Melchiah  
"BOOOO!! HISSS!!"! Shouted the audience as Melchiah walked on stage  
"First of all let us look at picture of Melchiah before he died" said hash  
Suddenly a picture of Melchiah as a Sarafan pops up on screen  
"Ahhhhhhhh...." Said the audience  
"And now let us look at a picture of him now"  
Suddenly a picture of Melchiah as vampire pops up on screen which is nearly exactly the same except Melchiah is slightly paler  
"EWWWWWW!!!!!" Shouts the audience  
"So you wretched creature why exactly do you dare appear on my show?!!"  
"Well you see I had been quite happy dead, but you see then I raised up by this weird green guy without any thought about what I wanted!" said Rahab emotionally  
"Ahhhhhhh.... "Said the audience with many audible sniffles  
"Well the despicable creature who brought you back couldn't be here tonight but he sent us this message" said hash  
A picture of Kain tied to a chair appears on the screen  
"HELP ME!! I'M LOCKED IN A BROOMCLOSET!!"  
Suddenly the screen went black  
"Pah! the old locked in a broom closet excuse! That's just sad..." said hash   
Suddenly a member of the audience stood up.  
"I think he did all this because he's insecure about being fat! He's such a $?&%!!!!"  
The audience cheered and many patted the man on the back  
Melchiah raised his eyebrow and looked thoughtful  
There was a sudden flash and a bizarre portal opened up on the stage  
"Hashy honey its time for dinner" said a voice  
".....er Azimuth dear I'm kinda in the middle of work could you come back later?" Said hash weakly  
Azimuth raised her hand the audience screamed and burst into flames  
"There works over. come on I cooked you favorite, Fish"  
"Oh thanks honey...." Hash mumbled as he stepped through the portal  
The studio was scorched from burning audience members  
Long after the audience had burned out Melchiah said  
"Whats a dollar sign, question mark, plus sign and percentage?"  
  
  
"I could have been big!" Nemesis roared to no one in particular  
"Accursed vampire erasing me from history! I will have my revenge! But now I will have what is rightfully mine!   
Nemesis kicked a small stereo beside him. The song eye of the tiger began to play  
"I will become heavyweight champion of the world!!"   
He picked up his skipping rope and started skipping.   
After hours of training he went outside.  
he went outside for a cigarette. He knew he could become the champion, nothing could possibly stop him now. He took out a cigarette from his pocket but he then realised he forgot his lighter.  
"Hey do you have a light?" He asked a passer by  
"Why certainly......." said Faustus  
  
  
Anarcrothe was sitting on his bed when he noticed a blinding flash outside on the street and screams .... It was probably nothing . Anarcrothe was beginning to wonder what had happened to Malek. He had sent him for tea bags 2 days ago now. Anarcrothe was getting worried. Maybe he might have to go get his own tea bags. He shuddered at the thought. Anarcrothe could now hear strange noises coming from bane and Dejoule's room. Apparently Duracell does last longer... well a least for Dejoule. Anarcrothe smiled to himself. He knew what they were up to, he'd read books about it. Oh yes he knew all about there late night sessions..... but sometimes he wondered why someone would want to play twister so late at night. Anarcrothe looked over at the empty teacup. Where was Malek?   
  
  
Malek stopped to catch his breath. They had been chasing him for 2 hours now and they weren't showing any signs of giving up  
"Come with us" a voice said behind him  
Malek spun around  
"No leave me alone you freaks!!!"  
A small girl stepped out of the shadows   
"Your coming with us"  
Malek frantically looked for an escape but there was none. He fell to his knees in despair  
Two figures grabbed his arms  
"Let go!!" Malek screamed  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!!" sang the girl, a lion and a scarecrow sung as the skipped down the road dragging Malek with them  
  
  
"Okay I have learned that Kain is being held hostage by Moebius in some sort of impenetrable prison. Its up to us to rescue him!" said Umah to Rahab, Zephon and Dumah  
"Who are you? And why are you here?" asked Rahab suspiciously  
"I'm your mother Umah"  
"Never heard of you"  
"Well your father and I had a bit of a falling out..... he sort of killed me"  
"Ah..... that would explain it"  
"But I still love you father" said Umah quickly  
Hey I know you! Your going out with Magnus! Said Zephon  
Umah burst into tears   
"I was so lonely without your father! I made one stupid mistake! Is that so wrong?!"  
"Hey I saw you with Faustus too!" said Rahab  
"Okay two stupid mistakes.."  
"And Sebastian" said Dumah  
".....three then"  
"and Imrok the Mad" said Zephon  
"SHUTUP!! I made one stupid mistake! Okay?!!!"  
"But you just said...." Rahab started  
"Shutup!!!..... anyway we're going to bake a cake for your father but the cake will have a file in it!"  
"Will it be chocolate?" Asked Dumah  
"Yes"  
"Can I lick the spoon?"  
"Yes"  
"sweet..."  
"And once Kains free we can all be one happy family..... " said Umah dreamily  
"Hey how about before we make the cake we go to the seer inn!!" Rahab said enthusiastically  
"No! we are not going to....." Zephon began  
"Too late he's gone" said Dumah as he watching Rahab rub over a hill in the distance  
  
  
"I don't know why your bothering to see him he won't talk to you" said the security  
"Oh he'll talk to me........ "the Sarafan lord said  
The security guard locked the door behind the Sarafan lord  
he walked past the other cells in the corridor until he came to the last one  
"Well hello..." A voice said from inside the cell  
"I am the Sarafan lord and you will answer my questions"  
"Closer..." said the voice from inside the cell "come closer.."  
The Sarafan lord took one step forward  
"That's better...."  
Suddenly the figure inside leaped forward  
"BOOO!!" Shouted Turel at the Sarafan lord from inside his cell  
The Sarafan lord didn't even flinch  
"I am here to ask you about a recent killing spree" said the Sarafan lord  
"Hmmmmmm... there's been a bad boy being eating biscuits hasn't there? I bet he starts with the chocolate filling.... I love the chocolate filling"  
"You disgust me....." hissed the Sarafan lord  
"Oh I do..... no doubt you heard about my last victim. A small chocolate chip cookie. I ate him with a warm glass of milk before I went to bed...... mmmmmmmmm"  
The Sarafan lord could not keep the look of utter revulsion from his face.  
"Are you going to help me are what?" shouted the Sarafan lord angrily  
"Well I would advise you to start with the girl scouts..... they love a good meal" said Turel smoothly  
The Sarafan lord turned to leave  
"Ah,ah,ahh.... What do we say to the nice man?" said Turel  
the Sarafan lord gritted his teeth   
"Thank you.." he hissed  
"No! butterflies! There all around us!!" Shouted Turel as he Sarafan lord left the prison.  
" BUTTERFLIES!!"  
  
  
Nupraptor the dentalist was having a slow day. There was little need for physic dentists these days. There was suddenly a blinding light and the door of the dentistry opened  
"Nupraptor..." said the light  
"Mortainius?!!! What happened to you" asked Nupraptor dumbfounded  
"Nothing..... nothing at all"  
"You've be brushing your ribs with that whitening toothpaste haven't you!"  
"Don't judge me! I know what you and Ariel used to get up to!"  
"Quiet, quiet! Fine what do you want?"  
"All of your toothpaste for my silence...."  
"Fine take it! Take it!"  
Mortainius picked up the toothpaste and left  
"Haha.... Free toothpaste, luckily Anarcrothe told me about Ariel and Nupraptors late night twister sessions...." Said Mortainius to himself  
  
  
Popeland: Gasp!  
Will Umah succeed and free kain?  
Will the sarafan lord ever avenge all the biscuits?  
Tune in next chapter!!  
REVIEW!!! 


	7. FREEDOM!

Popeland: HUZZAH!  
  
Chapter 7 is has arrived!! Another long wait... look I'm sorry but I have big important tests in 2 days! I shouldn't even be writing this! But if any one asked I'm practicing my english skills.... Hehehe... . anyway thanks to Ganon, Lilth, Concept of a Demon, Metal Gear Prime, Yoda() and Orpheum Zero for reviewing.  
  
So here chapter 7: FREEDOM!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Moebius was in his kitchen eating a slice of toast while trying to do today's cryptic crossword  
  
"ok lets see...7 across, far in the eastern mountains a stifled titan stands in mute surrender. Unwilling host to a parasitic swarm.... Hmmmmm ...it's a beehive!" He said triumphantly .   
  
but before he put beehive into the 9 letter slot provided there was a blinding flash of light  
  
"yo dude, who should we get for our history project" came a unfamiliar voice from the hall  
  
"I think we're supposed to get like some all powerful vampire lord type guy" came a second voice  
  
"Yeah cause if we don't pass your dads gonna send you to military school" said the first voice  
  
"It's a total bummer, man"  
  
Moebius ran into the hall in his pajamas  
  
"Who the hell are you??" shouted a very startled Moebius  
  
"We're....." said one of them  
  
"Wild stallions!!" They shouted in unison   
  
"Wait I've heard of you. Your Bill and Ted this planets time streamers!"   
  
"We are? Excellent!!" Said Ted  
  
"Well you met your match here you fools! I have a mastery of time you couldn't even begin to comprehend"  
  
Moebius eye flashed a two orbs of intense light appeared in his hands  
  
"You haven't a hope" he said smugly  
  
"Think of the trashcan, think of the trashcan" they both began to chant  
  
"What are you doing ..arghhh!!!" shouted Moebius a trashcan fell on top of him  
  
"Hurry up man, we better get the vamp man outta here!" Said bill  
  
They opened up the eternal broom closet  
  
"Well that was easy"  
  
"Hey man, do you want to travel to the future and help us pass our history project?" Asked Bill  
  
Kain looked thoughtful  
  
"No" said Kain before he picked them both up by the throat can threw them at the wall with bone crushing force  
  
"Bummer......" were the last words of Bill and Ted before they were crushed by a ton of falling masonry  
  
He walked out into the hall and found Moebius removing the trashcan from his head  
  
"At last...." Kain said ominously  
  
"Stay back Kain!" Shouted Moebius   
  
"I will enjoy gutting you, old man"  
  
Moebius's mind raced  
  
"B..but..but this act of murder is unconscionable!" Moebius finally said  
  
"Conscience...? You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice can you dare to question my judgment! Your life's span is a flicker compared ......" Kain began   
  
Moebius of course had little intention of staying till the end of Kains little speech. he jumped out the window and made his escape down the street  
  
"....can you even begin to conceive what action you would take, in my position? ... Moebius? ..... Damn!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Mortainius on the radiooooooo!!!!" The jingle shouted   
  
"Its Craaaaaaaazzzzzyyy Mortainius in the morning !!! this morning Mortainius will be interviewing 2 candidates who are running for this years regional elections, Magnus and the Sarafan lord!"  
  
"Good morning and today I'd like to welcome my two guests to the studio... because I'm just that crazy" said Mortainius in a dull tone of voice  
  
"Meat!!" Magnus shouted  
  
"Good morning" said the Sarafan lord  
  
"Firstly, Sarafan lord, many are saying you plan to take many extreme moves in crime prevention  
  
Indeed, I plan to enslave the entire population and force them to build a weapon of ultimate power which I will use to conquer the world!!!"   
  
"Now is this before or after you free the biscuits?"  
  
"Oh its after, lets get our priorities straight. I am totally devoted to my cause of biscuit freedom"  
  
"Now I'm going to ask a question which has plagued your supporters throughout this entire campaign, the whole question of living biscuits"  
  
"Well I think all that is preposterous I know its in a legal gray area but in my opinion cream crackers are as much biscuits as any chocolate chip cookie! And I will ensure that this belief is upheld in the law!"  
  
"Actually I was referring to the fact that biscuits aren't alive"   
  
"What!! how can you say that! Have you ever truly listened to a biscuit?!" shouted the enraged Sarafan lord  
  
"There wouldn't be much point really" said Mortainius levelly  
  
"Your only saying that because your afraid of the truth! Your afraid!!!"  
  
"Okay...... so let me get this straight, your saying that all biscuits are alive" asked mortainius seriously  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Even dog biscuits?"  
  
"Dog biscuits? Are you trying to insult me? Of course dog biscuits aren't alive, there dog biscuits for heavens sake!!!"  
  
"Of course.....Now Mr. Magnus what are your aims if you are elected"  
  
"Meat!" Shouted Magnus  
  
"That's a very ambitious target, if you don't mind me saying. How do you plan to achieve it?"  
  
"Meat!"  
  
"I must say that is one of the most impressive and well thought plans I have ever heard" said a thoroughly impressed Mortainius  
  
"Oh come on! He's just using a lot of political terms which sound impressive but mean nothing! Maybe your plan would work if we lived in a perfect world but unfortunately we don't!" said the Sarafan lord angrily  
  
"Meat!"  
  
"Your calling my plans nonsense?! That's rich coming from you!"  
  
"Now if we could just calm down here" said Mortainius trying to reason with both of the candidates  
  
"MEAT!!"  
  
"Mr. Magnus you can't say things like that on live radio!!"  
  
I'm glad I threw you into the eternal prison!  
  
Meat!  
  
You can't make accusations like that! There was no real proof that I was abusing glyph energy  
  
Meat!!  
  
Oh that's it! Your going down! The Sarafan lord leapt at Magnus and they both begin to fight on the ground  
  
".....well I'd like to thank you for listening to today's broadcast, this episode was sponsored by Anarcrothe, Bane and Dejoule: Image and design consultants.  
  
So this is crazy Mortainius saying goodbye...... wooo I'm crazy" said Mortainius and then the show went off air  
  
  
  
  
  
Moebius ran into the pawn shop and stopped to catch his breath  
  
"Can I help you sir?" Asked the shop owner helpfully  
  
"a while ago I sold I sold you a magical staff , do you remember?"  
  
"Oh the one with the snake and the orb on top?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the one. well I need it back"  
  
"One minute please" said the owner. He walked into the back of the shop and returned several minutes later with the staff  
  
"Here you go"  
  
"Muhahaha! Now Kain hasn't a hope in defeating me! .... Wait a minute that's not the real orb on top. It's a bowling ball!"  
  
"No its not" said the shop owner slightly nervous  
  
"But look there are 3 finger holes in it!!"  
  
"Oh yeah.... so It is a bowling ball....."  
  
"Where the magic vampire paralyzing orb I that's supposed to be on it?!"  
  
"Oh I sold that"  
  
"To who?"  
  
"I didn't catch the name, he was a blue guy, no stomach, nice hair though"  
  
Today was not moebius's day  
  
  
  
  
  
Janos sat in his motel room looking out the window.  
  
"Janos Audron?" came a voice  
  
Suddenly an entire section of floor was pushed up and Raziel clawed out  
  
"Raziel for the last time, use the front door"   
  
"But the architects of the door were winged beings and my wings are ruined" said Raziel   
  
"Yes and that's why there's a stairs"  
  
"Oh right....anyway I just came to apologize for letting the Sarafan tear out your heart"  
  
"Oh that, ah sure I forgave you along time ago so don't worry about it"  
  
"well I'm still sorry and so I brought this present for you"  
  
Raziel then handed Janos a nicely wrapped box  
  
"Ah you shouldn't have......" said Janos happily  
  
"well I hope you like it, I really must go now"  
  
Raziel proceeded to jump out of the window  
  
"the door! For god 's sake use the door!!"  
  
Janos sighed and went over to the box  
  
"Lets see what we have here....."  
  
Janos picked up a strange glowing blue orb  
  
"Ah, it's a snowglo......." Janos suddenly froze solid  
  
"Bugger" he thought to himself   
  
  
  
  
  
Kain opened the door of his house  
  
"Surprise!!" shouted Umah as she jumped out from behind the hat stand  
  
"ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" Screamed Kain   
  
"Oh I missed you too!" She screamed excitedly as she jumped forward and hugged him  
  
"Who are you and get the hell out of my house!" Kain shouted as he pushed here back  
  
"You were always such a kidder!" she laughed "Come on the boys are waiting for you!" Umah grabbed Kain and dragged him into the living room  
  
"Hello daddy" said Melchiah, Zephon and Dumah who were sitting down rigid with fear  
  
There was a moment of silence  
  
"Hello boys" said Kain cautiously. He knew something must be wrong because the last person who called Kain "daddy" had never been seen again... well technically that's not true, they had been seen just not in very big pieces.  
  
"Ahhhhh..... how cute a family reunion" sighed Umah happily  
  
Hey Umah there's.... Began Melchiah  
  
Umah slapped him  
  
"YOU WILL CALL ME MOTHER!!" she screamed at him  
  
Melchiah whimpered and fell silent  
  
Umah... Umah? Thought Kain to himself. He couldn't remember her at all. Perhaps drinking all that kitchen cleaner when he was in the broom closet wasn't such a great idea...Kain looked at Umah to see if he could jog his memory  
  
"...Hey there something written on your fore head said Kain suspiciously  
  
"What does it say" said Umah enthusiastically  
  
"Will.. you.. marry.. me" said Kain as he read the message off Umah's forehead  
  
"Yes! Oh I've been waiting for an eternity for you to ask! I love you kain1"  
  
"Huh?!"   
  
"Come on lets plan the wedding" said Umah as she grabbed Kains arm and dragged Kain out of the room  
  
"What's going on? Ah let go of me!!"  
  
the living room was silent  
  
"..... do you think we should save him?" Asked Dumah  
  
"no I think we should just start running.." said Zephon  
  
"I like your idea" shouted Melchiah who at this stage was already halfway down the street  
  
  
  
  
  
Janos was still standing paralyzed in the center of the room when the floorboards begin to move again  
  
"Break it down brothers!!"   
  
"Hey how can we break it down if it's above us?"  
  
"Oh just hit it until it goes away!!"  
  
The floorboards finally gave away and the Sarafan climbed up  
  
"Is every one here?" Asked the Sarafan Raziel  
  
"I don't know, are we?" Said a dusty Zephon  
  
"If any ones not here raise your hand....... Melchiah put down your hand" said the Sarafan Raziel  
  
"Opps sorry my mistake" said Melchiah as he quickly lowered his hand  
  
The Sarafan Raziel turned to confront Janos  
  
"immobilized by the very device intended to immobilize you, How ironic" sneered Raziel  
  
"err.. Raziel how's that ironic" asked Rahab  
  
its just a figure of speech it doesn't have to make sense  
  
no,I'm pretty sure it does have to make sense, Raziel continued Rahab  
  
"oh shutup, and now to take the beasts black heart..... well go on Dumah"  
  
what me? I don't want to do it.   
  
"Well were not going home till someone does" said Raziel sternly  
  
But, but I'll miss star trek wailed Turel  
  
"I don't care!" said the Sarafan Raziel  
  
"Fine I'll do it" sighed Zephon  
  
Zephon walked up to Janos and cut his chest open  
  
"Ewwwwwww!!!! Blood!!" said Zephon before fainting  
  
".....well go get the heart Melchiah"  
  
Melchiah walked over to Janos. After much hesitation he closed his eyes and tore out Janos's heart. He opened his eyes and looked at the heart  
  
"yuck! You take it" he said before throwing it to Raziel  
  
"what?! I don't want it! It's all sticky and moving! you take it! said Raziel before throwing it to Rahab  
  
"Ew,ew,ew!! What will we do with it?! Said Rahab who was holding the heart at arms length while he ran around the room  
  
"Er..am.. put it back! Put it back!!" Said Turel  
  
Rahab put it back in Janos's chest  
  
|"Ewwwww I feel dirty, I'm going home to have shower" said Rahab  
  
"Yeah lets go" said the Raziel  
  
The 5 Sarafan walked off dragged the unconscious Zephon behind them  
  
Raziel half way down the hall spun around and shouted at Janos  
  
"You win this round! But next time we'll come prepared!  
  
"With rubber gloves!" shouted Turel  
  
"And plastic bags!!" Shouted Rahab  
  
Long after the Sarafan left Janos finally realized what had happened  
  
"That was close...." thought Janos to himself "...................... I need to pee......"  
  
  
  
  
  
Popeland: Gasp!  
  
Will Umah and Kain tie the knot?  
  
Who will win the election? Magnus or the Sarafan Lord?  
  
Tune in next chapter!!  
  
Review!!  
  
P.s: I know I left out a lot of people in this chapter. Did anyone miss Hash ak Gik, Faustus, Sebastain, Turel and the others? Did anyone notice they were gone? Please tell me, I'd like to know 


	8. Vote now! or pay later

Popeland: Huzzah!!  
Chapter 8 in da house..... well chapter eight is in my house anyway. Okay another long delay, I'm sorry. But this chapter is an extra long one, mind you that doesn't mean it's good. So thank you Orpheum Zero, Lilith, Concept of a Demon, Silmuen and Chalcedony Blue for reviewing!  
And now it's time for chapter 8: Vote now! Or pay later....  
  
  
  
Moebius walked confidently down the road.  
"Hehe... this disguise is perfect" he said "Kain would never suspect it"  
Moebius was outfitted in his brand new postman disguise. He smiled to himself. Now he could do really evil things and never get caught. Things like mixing up people letters and stealing stamps  
There was a frenzied flapping noise behind him  
Moebius stopped dead and turned around slowly  
He saw two crows on the ground. He breathed a sigh of relief  
"Only some stupid birds"  
Suddenly the two birds flew straight at Moebius  
"The Readers Digest!" One of the crows squawked  
Moebius started waving his hands frantically over his head.  
"The Readers Digest!" it squawked again  
Moebius threw a pile of letters at the birds.  
They took off carrying the readers digest between them  
Moebius stood in the middle of the street shocked trying to understand what had just happened  
He gave up and decided to run down the street screaming instead  
  
  
Turel was sitting down in his cell humming to himself happily. But during the second verse of Wild Thing he heard a noise from down the hall  
"Are you sure he's here McCoy?" Said a voice  
"Yes Jim, my scanners indicate he is in this very building" said a second voice  
Two men in strange uniform walked out in front of Turel's cell  
The man in the yellow uniform looked around and spotted Turel  
"Spock! It's you!" He said  
The other man took out some strange sort of device.  
"This isn't Spock, Jim!" The other man exclaimed  
"No, I'd recognise those ears anywhere! It must be Spock!" Replied the first man  
"It's life Jim.... But not as we know it" said the other ominously  
"Oh you say that about everything" he turned to Turel "Spock do you recognise me? It me! captain James T Kirk!"  
"Hello captain" said Turel happily  
"See he knows I'm captain! It must be Spock!" Said Kirk  
"But you just told him you were captain James T Kirk!!" shouted doctor McCoy  
"I know but look he's doing the live long and prosper thing!" said Kirk excitedly pointing at Turel's claw  
McCoy was about to respond when one of the strange deceives they had began to make. Kirk picked it up and began to speak into it  
"Kirk here."  
"Captain we've found Spock!" Said an excited voice which was coming from the device  
"Scotty, that's impossible! We've found Spock!" Said Kirk angrily  
"No we definitely have the real Spock here sir. Spock say something"  
"I'm not Spock! I'm Legolas the elf let go of me!!" Screamed a voice  
"See it's definitely Spock, he has the pointy ears and everything!" Said Scotty   
"But if you have Spock.... Then who do we have?" Said Kirk slowly  
"He must be a Romulan!" McCoy and Kirk said in unison  
"Hey don't insult me! You're the romulans!" Turel shouted at them before smashing their heads together  
The bodies of captain Kirk and doctor McCoy both fell on the ground unconscious.   
Turel looked down the hall. It was empty  
"FREEDOM!!" He screamed as he ran down the hall  
  
  
Vorador woke up slowly. most people who are wake up after been decapitated usually check if there head is on there shoulders, Checking if your alive is usually at the top of your priorities list but Vorador's priorities list is slightly different. He immediately tried to connect to whisper chat  
"Hello this is Morlock. How can I help you?"  
"I thought this was whisper chat!"  
"Oh they closed down a few days ago. They went bankrupt when they lost their biggest customers"  
"No! .... What do you do then?"  
"Oh this is Vampiric Plumbing"  
"What kind of plumbing ......heheheh"  
"Oh usually for sinks and toilets"  
"....curses"  
Vorador disconnected from the whisper.  
He then realised he was alive  
"Oh great...." Said Vorador sadly. This world had nothing left to offer him  
"I see you are awake" came a voice  
Vorador looked up and saw the seer...or did he see the seer? he never could figure out how that was supposed to work  
"Why did you resurrect me, woman!" Vorador demanded  
"I owed you a favour remember" replied the seer  
Vorador looked thoughtful  
"No you owed me $10, you promised you would buy a nice woolly jumper with it!"  
"Look I meant to it's just... it was a really warm winter?" She hazarded  
Vorador sighed. This was one of the reasons he had left her  
Vorador had once had a relationship with the seer but he had ended it. Because of his vampiric nature he could never get what he really wanted from her.  
A good game of thumb wrestling. Damn claws  
Vorador stood up.  
"If that's all you revived me for I will go"  
"Oh yeah Kains getting married to Umah" said the seer  
"Oh ,I'm glad those two finally got back together, I knew that brutally murdering her thing was an accident" said Vorador happily  
"So do you want to go to the wedding with me?" asked the Seer quickly  
Er.... Well I don't think the harem would be to happy with that.. began Vorador  
"Oh they ran off the minute you died"  
"They what?!" shouted Vorador  
"Ran off with Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab and Dumah"  
"Damn... fine I'll go to the wedding with you.... If you put on a nice cardigan! Your just asking for pneumonia in that get up!"  
  
  
  
Meanwhile at the house of Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab and Dumah....  
"Go on! Faster! FASTER!!" Shouted Dumah   
"countdown's on in 5 minutes and we want our tea!"  
Dumah sighed and walked back into the sitting room  
"Useless women" he muttered  
"I know they tell us there multi-talented and they can't even make a cup of tea!" complained Zephon  
"Oh we got our invitation to Kains wedding" Said Melchiah  
"I'm not going to that idiots wedding!" Said Dumah defiantly  
"Oh and Umah rang to say that she would rip off your heads and shove them where the sun don't shine" continued Melchiah  
"Hmmmmm.... My head will quite enjoy it there I think" mused Rahab happily  
The rest of the brethren weren't as optimistic  
".....although on second thought maybe we should go. he is our father" said Dumah  
"everyone's going to be there apparently" said Zephon  
"even our most hated enemies?" Asked Dumah  
"the nazis?!!" Shouted Rahab in disbelief  
"You've been playing Blood Rayne again haven't you?" Sighed Dumah  
"Yep" replied Rahab happily  
it was at this point Dumah's phone began to ring  
"Hello?"   
"Do not beh alarmed duma, I am wosing ta whispa" said a mumbled voice over the phone  
"Who is this?" Asked Dumah suspiciously  
"Twoel" the voice muttered  
"Tool?"  
"TWOEL!!"  
"Oh, hi Turel"  
"Tell him I said hello!" said Melchiah excitedly  
"Melchiah says hello, so what do you want?" Inquired Dumah  
"I need wu ta collect meh from outsid da Asylum" mumbled Turel  
"Oh you escaped, well done. We meant to rescue you but you kinda were insane..."  
"Meh? Insane? I'm sane as a brick..... a crazy brick!! MUHAHAHAHA!!!"  
"Oh good, we'll go and collect you then"  
"Bye"  
Dumah hung up the phone  
"We have to rescue Turel." Said Dumah to the others  
"Did you tell him I said hello?" Asked Melchiah enthusiastically  
"Yes" replied Dumah  
"Yay!"  
"So lets go!!" Shouted Dumah  
"Countdown's starting" said Zephon  
"Okay, countdown then we rescue Turel" said Dumah as he sat down on the couch  
  
  
This a political broadcast on behalf of the Sarafan lord  
"Foolish mortals! If elected I will initiate a reign of terror!" Said the voice of the Sarafan lord  
A picture of the Sarafan lord destroying the seers house appears on screen  
"No one can stand against me!"  
A picture of the Sarafan lord defeating Kain appears on screen  
"And now onto more serious matters... biscuits"  
A picture of a cream cracker appears on screen  
"I have seen the terrible conditions theses biscuits live in and I am appalled"  
A picture of the Sarafan lord visit a biscuit orphanage appears on screen  
"If elected I will bring in sweeping reforms and make this world a safer place for biscuits"  
The screen fades to black and a voice over says  
"Vote for the Sarafan Lord or Die, it's just that easy"  
  
  
Moebius knocked on the door of the Sarafan brotherhoods house  
Raziel opened the door with curlers in his hair  
"Lord Moebius how can we help you?"  
"Save me!!" Said Moebius before he barged into the house  
"From financial bankruptcy?" Asked the Sarafan Zephon who was sitting in the living room  
"From Kain!!" Moebius shouted  
"Kane!! But he's scary! he'd kick all our asses! He's the was the intercontinental champion a one stage! Said an scared Turel  
I'm talking about KAIN. You know him, vampire, unbelievable strong, malicious and cruel. Said Moebius  
Oh Kain, no problem. We can deal with vampires, now wrestlers that just out of our league  
What? how will you beat him? Asked Moebius in disbelief  
"Oh we have a item that will render him completely useless" exclaimed the Sarafan Raziel smugly  
You found the orb of my staff?!! Asked Moebius excitedly  
"Oh no, Kyptonite" said Melchiah  
..........kyptonite? said Moebius slowly  
"and if that doesn't work we can always use these magic beans we bought of Bane" said Dumah happily  
"yeah we had to sell all of our armour to get them so they must be good" said Zephon  
"oh and we can only kill Kain after Tuesday" said Raziel  
"why is that?" Said Moebius  
"Because he's getting married on Tuesday. Killing him before his marriage would just be start off a temporal paradox which would destroy the world" said Raziel dramatically  
"Hey, I thought it was because we where invited and they said there would be cake" said a confused Melchiah  
"Shutup" Turel hissed at him  
"Don't worry Mr Moebius, were the most efficient and professional people you could find" said Raziel reassuringly. It did make Moebius feel a bit better until Melchiah shouted  
"Pillow fight!!"  
"I'm as good as dead..." Moebius thought to himself  
  
  
The two crows flew slowly down the street. The crows swooped majestically into a door. They fell onto an ever-growing pile of readers digests and unconscious birds  
From inside the house all Marcus could hear was two faint thuds.  
"Hahahaha!!" He thought to himself since he couldn't say it aloud, being trapped in a room full of concrete tends to impair your speech. He had been charming birds to go get the Reader Digest for two weeks now and his efforts were paying off  
"Soon all the readers digests will be mine and Kain will have no choice but to come here to confront me!" He thought  
Marcus looked at the readers digest. Well at least where the readers digest should have been, Concrete also impairs sight as well. Who knew?  
"Yes, Kain would be here any minute now"  
  
  
"You! I don't know you!" Barked the Guardian "What are you? A visitor a guest or an intruder? Visitor and guest are not allowed and intruders, we know how to deal with intruders...." there was a flash of green light and a scythe appeared in his hand  
"Er... I'm just here to apply for gym membership" said the Nemesis nervously  
"Oh sorry" said the guardian quickly as he tried to hide the scythe behind his back "yes welcome to the Eternal Gymnasium. Would you like membership for a week or ...eternity..."  
"Ah.. a week please"  
The guardian turned to a wall covered in clocks and flicked a switch. The wall began to shimmer and then faded away. The wall disappeared to reveal a toilet  
"Oops ...hehe.. wrong switch.. "Said the slightly embarrassed guardian as he flicked another switch. the wall reappeared and once again disappeared. But this time revealing a long winding stone corridor.   
Nemesis followed the guardian down the hallway  
"It is imperative that your disturb your important work here. Our members must achieve balance" said the guardian  
"Ohh.. is there a tightrope or something?" Nemesis asked hopefully  
"I think there one over the bottomless pit....." said the guardian menacingly  
"Oh goody" said Nemesis happily  
The passed a room with it's door open. Nemesis stopped walking and looked in to see a man chained to the wall  
"Help me kind sir!" He wailed at Nemesis  
"Go get a job you lazy bum!" he shouted at the man before he started walking again  
Nemesis shook his head slowly   
"damn beggars" he muttered to himself  
"we're here" said the guardian as he unlocked a huge steel door  
the room was empty except for a solitary weight bench. He went over to it and lay down.  
"Now nothing can stop me becoming the heavyweight champion of the world!!" Shouted Nemesis triumphantly "........ hey where are the weights?"  
The guardian smiled and flicked a switch. A large block of solid stone came crashing down on Nemesis.  
"ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!"! shouted the Nemesis  
"See you in a week" said the guardian happily as he walked off down the passage  
The room was silent for a while.   
"Hey do you think I could start off with something lighter?" Said nemesis from under the block "..... hello?........ damn"  
  
  
This a political broadcast on behalf of Magnus  
"Meat!!" Said the voice of Magnus  
A picture hospital appears on screen  
"Meat!!"  
A picture of a school appears on screen  
"Meat!!"  
A picture of Magnus shaking hands with Elvis appears on screen  
"MEAT!!!"  
Screen fades to black and a voice over says  
"Remember a vote for Magnus is a vote for MEAT!!"  
  
  
Sebastian crouched at the end of the forest outside the Evil Girl Scout Headquarters. He was wearing all black clothes to camouflage himself in the darkness  
He took out his binoculars to look at the target  
His walkie-talkie crackled into life  
"Solid Seabass come in Solid Seabass!!"  
"What is it Faustus!"  
"....I'm lonely"  
"your standing right behind me"  
"oh yeah...." Said Faustus happily  
Faustus was also wearing all black but he had put two reflective bands on his arms because they had to walk to the secret base and Faustus believed in road safety as much as he believed that any problem can be solved by explosives.  
"Why don't you make yourself useful and check the radar to see if there are any enemy patrols" hissed Sebastian  
"Okay."  
Faustus opened his back pack and took out a map  
"Nope, there doesn't seem to be any patrols, but we are on a nature trail"  
"Okay lets go!"  
Sebastian stealthily rolled out of his hidden place and crawled towards the fence. Faustus on the other hand stood up and walked slowly over to the fence while whistling the song "In the summer time"  
They eventually reached a large building  
"Stand back! I'll take care of this wall!" Faustus shouted as he took ten pounds of plastic explosive out of his backpack   
"But there's a door right here" said Sebastian slowly  
"Stand back!! I'll open it!!" Shouted Faustus as he took another 10 pounds of plastic explosive out of his bag  
"It's already open." Said Sebastian  
"No need to thank me" said Faustus proudly  
They both walked into the building. But as soon as they entered the door slammed shut behind them. Two giant floodlight flicked on.  
"Ah, so you've found out all about my secret operation" said a mysterious voice  
:Yes! We know everything about it!!" shouted Sebastian triumphantly "......er..... who are you?"   
"I am the great.... Nupraptor the Dentalist!" said Nupraptor as he stepped forward into the light  
"Ah! it all makes sense now! Imprison the biscuits and forcing everyone to eat them would lead to a build up of plaque on everyone's teeth! Your business would sky rocket!" said Sebastian  
"Yes! But no one will ever know!" he replied smugly  
"..... but we'll tell them" said a slightly confused Faustus  
"when I said no one will ever know I kind of meant I was going to kill you" said Nupraptor angrily  
"oh... it's kinda obvious when you think about it"  
yes it is... but anyway GO GRIRL SCOUTS!! Kill them all  
20 heavily armed girlscouts emerged from the shadows  
Sebastian looked panicked and then he shouted  
"Faustus! quick open the door!"  
"the door locked you can't .... Began Nupraptor ".. Hey what's he doing!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
Needless to say the evil girlscouts headquarters were blown up. And blown up again when Faustus reasoned that the only way to escape when your trapped under wreckage from an explosion is to blow it up  
  
  
"I want a brain!" said the scarecrow   
"I want courage" said the lion  
"I just want to go Home!!" cried Dorothy  
"And I want vengeance! Vengeance for an eternity of suffering!!" Malek shouted  
The wizard of oz looked nervous  
"Er... are you sure you wouldn't like a heart instead?"  
"No I don't! I want vengeance! If I wanted a heart I'd just ask Janos, he has like fifty of them" said Malek angrily  
They wizard began to sweat  
"Hehehe... I'm sure we could work out a compromise.."  
"VENGANCE!!!" Shouted Malek  
"Errrrrr..... well I.." began the wizard nervously  
The was a loud banging noise from outside the room  
"It's the witch!" cried Dorothy  
"Thank god!!" shouted the wizard  
they all looked at him   
"........... I mean oh no.... it's the witch"  
The two giant doors of the chamber were blown off their hinges. The doors arched across in the air before crushing Dorothy, the lion and the scarecrow  
"MALEK!!!!!" Anarcrothe screamed as he emerged from the dust cloud.   
"Malek of the Sarafan! For failing to get teabags for the circle you are hereby damned!!! DAMN YOU MALEK!! DAMN YOU!!!" Cried Anarcrothe as pointed an accusing finger at the paladin  
"Lord Anarcrothe I can explain!!" said Malek frantically  
"Silence!! Lest I damn you again!!"  
"But I...." Malek began  
"Damn you Malek!!! Damn, damn, damn!! DAMN!!!" Screamed Anarcrothe "do you know how far the emerald green city is from elderberry avenue?!!! 10 miles!! I had to take public transport! Public transport Malek!!!! the bus smelled weird and there was gum on my seat!"  
The wizard of oz sniggered  
"And what are you laughing at?! Said an enraged Anarcrothe  
"Nothing" said the wizard quickly  
"Don't make me damn you!! Malek just get whatever you came for and lets go"  
"Yes lord Anarcrothe..... give me my vengeance!" Malek once again shouted at the Wizard  
"Errrrr... am .... You'll never catch me!!" the wizard screamed as he threw down a smoke bomb  
The wizard laughed maniacally as he ran into the cloud.  
After much coughing the smoke eventually settled.   
"Where did he go!" said Anarcrothe  
Here he is sir! Said Malek happily  
"What happened to him?"   
"He must have ran into my sword while he was trying to escape"  
"Five times?" asked Anarcrothe suspiciously  
"Apparently he did sir" said Malek innocently  
"Fair enough..... to the shops! For teabags!!" Said Anarcrothe as he strode out   
Malek kicked the wizard and walked out after Anarcrothe  
  
  
Kain was the kitchen when he heard a knock at the door  
He opened the door to see Vorador  
"Oh hello Vorador come in" said Kain happily  
"Thank you Kain" said Vorador  
Vorador entered the house and then went into the sitting room  
"Would you like something to drink? A Virgins blood maybe?" asked Kain politely  
"Ah no I'm trying to cut back on the hard stuff just regular peasant for me"  
Kain went off into the kitchen to get the drinks  
"I heard the big news congratulations" said Vorador  
"Oh... errr.. thanks" said Kain who at the moment was still trying to remember who Umah was  
'So where's Umah?" asked Vorador  
"Oh she's upstairs with the flu" said Kain as he brought the drinks into the sitting room  
"Well that's what she gets for only wearing a purple bikini all the time" said Vorador  
"I know she's usually purple from the cold" agreed Kain  
"I always told her she should go and buy a sensible cardigan or a woolly jumper but would she listen? No. but I'm glad your back together. I knew you didn't mean to kill her"  
"I killed her?" asked Kain  
"You don't remember? Well do remember the nexus stone"  
"Yeah... it was shiny" said Kain nostalgically  
"Well Umah tried to...." Vorador began  
The was a scream and Umah leapt into the room with an axe and decapitated Vorador  
"What the hell?!!" shouted a shocked Kain  
"Oops... I must have fallen" said Umah innocently  
"With an axe?!!"   
"..err..This is my lucky axe....." replied Umah  
You don't have lucky axe said Vorador's head accusingly from the ground  
Umah scowled at Vorador's head and kicked it through the window  
"What did you do that for?!" said the still very shocked Kain  
"Do what?" said Umah innocently  
"You just kicked Vorador's head through the window!" Kain shouted  
Oh, must have been a nervous twitch. Would you like a cup of tea?" said Umah quickly changing the subject  
"What?" said an extremely confused Kain  
"I'll go get you one then" said Umah happily as she skipped off into the kitchen  
The sitting room was silent for a while until Kain finally said  
"What?"  
  
  
Popeland: Gasp!!  
Will Kain ever find out who Umah is?  
Will Marcus's evil schemes succeed?  
Tune in next chapter!!  
Review!  
  
P.S  
Yes you get you get to vote you wins the election! The Sarafan Lord or Magnus...... hmmmm I wonder who Lilith will vote for? VOTE NOW!!  
oh and Orpheum Zero you can be the one who pronounces Kain and Umah. that will be in the next chapter. but for now REVIEW!!  
and don't forget every vote counts. 


	9. Get Religion, or it will get you!

Popeland: HUZZAH!!  
Yes the long, long, long wait is finally over for chapter 9 is here!! From writing this chapter I learned that writing weddings is hard. For this chapter I actually had some clue what I was going to write and somehow that made it infinitely harder to finish. But it's here now. So I'd like to thank my Reviewers Concept of a Demon, Soulshard, Yoda, Lilith, Vamps_r_Kewl, OrpheumZero, Chalcedony Blue, Psycho Virus238, Vampiric Entity, angelgardian666, Dark-Sephy and Sign it!!!...... though I suspect sign it may have had some sort of alterior motive....  
Most Review I've ever gotten for a chapter... sniff... I'm so proud. And thanks for voting everyone!  
So here's chapter 9: Get Religion, or it will get you!  
  
  
  
The room was dark. Kain looked around but he couldn't see anything. Silence. He didn't know where he was or how he got there..... he was alone. But then he heard the sound of footsteps. The echoed throughout the room and Kain saw something running towards him. It was Umah in a wedding dress.  
"Come on your late" she said quietly  
She grabbed him by the hand and they began to run. Kain suddenly found himself standing in front of an altar in a church. The priest had his head down.  
"Where is everyone?" Said Kain suspiciously  
"There no time for them Kain, it's now or never" said Umah   
"What are you talking about!" said a confused Kain  
"You don't understand but you will soon..." said Umah   
The priest raised his head.   
"Raziel?" Said an even more confused Kain  
Raziel didn't reply. Raziel pulled the Reaver out from under his robes.  
"What are you doing?" Said Kain   
Using all his strength Raziel drove the Reaver up through Kains chest  
"I Pronounce you......."  
Kain collapsed to the floor, and the Reaver slid free of his body.   
"Man and Wife" Raziel said with finality  
"AAHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Kain. He sat bolt upright in his bed.  
"That's it! No more cheese before bed!" he said to himself  
  
  
Moebius pried open the window and slid into the motel room. He had learned that Janos had the orb of his staff. Moebius was quite relived when he heard this because Janos was probably the least scary person in elderberry avenue with the possible exception of Ms Murry. Although rumor had it she was deadly with a knitting needle. Moebius walked confidently into the living room. There he say Janos completely motionless with spider webs hanging off him. Moebius lifted the orb carefully out of Janos's claws. Janos blinked  
"Moebius?" said a confused Janos   
"My reputation proceeds me" said Moebius rather smugly "all good I hope"  
"No" replied Janos before he punched Moebius rather hard on the jaw.   
Moebius stumbled backwards  
"b..but you're the nice one!" Moebius stuttered  
Janos cracked his knuckles  
"who told you that?"  
"Stay back fiend!" Shouted Moebius holding up the orb  
Janos picked up a picture frame with his signed photo of batman in it and threw it at the orb. The orb shattered and fell to the ground  
"Fiend am I?" said Janos calmly  
"I meant friend!" said Moebius desperately  
Janos smiled grabbed Moebius by the head and threw him out the window. Moebius landed rather roughly on the lawn. Janos opened the door and walked slowly towards Moebius  
Moebius suddenly remembered the anti vampire emergency pack the Sarafan had given him.  
You leave me no choice! he picked out an object at random and held it up  
"Aha!!" He shouted as he held up a cross  
Janos stopped and raised an eyebrow. And knocked the cross at out of Moebius hand.  
Moebius panicked and started throwing the entire contents of the bag. But Janos just dodged the stake, the silver bullet and the photo of Sarah Michelle Gellar. The last item to be thrown was a clove of garlic which it Janos in the middle of the forehead  
Janos twitched  
"ACHO!!!" Janos sneezed  
Luckily for Moebius, Janos was allergic to garlic. Janos sneezed again and he started to develop a nasty rash where the garlic had hit him. Moebius sensing his opportunity ran down the street as fast as he could.  
  
  
"As we drawing near to the end of toady's show I think it's time for......" said Mortainius   
"Mortainius's miracles! Let Mortainius help you with your everyday problems!" the jingle shouted  
"we have a special guest in studio today. Please introduce yourself" said Mortainius  
"I'm Pinocchio" Said a squeaky voice  
"I believe you have a problem that you think I can help you with?" continued Mortainius  
"I want to be a real boy!!" Said Pinocchio excitedly  
"Very well you shall have the blood you hunger for!" shouted Mortainius triumphantly  
Screams rang out across the airwaves  
"And that's it for toady's Mortainius in the morning show. And to end the show I'd like to congratulate my son, Kain who's getting married today. Kain I just have one thing to say to you"  
"Make me a grandfather an I will destroy you!"  
You have been listening to the Mortainius in the Morning brought to you by Yacorpsis Dogfood  
Call you dogs! They can feast on Yacorpsis!  
  
  
Kain was in the bedroom fixing his tie when he suddenly realised he hadn't a best man. with a panicked look on face he panicked. He thought about asking Magnus but he was busy with his political career. He then thought about Raziel but quickly decided against asking him. He had that little soul devouring antic Kain wasn't too fond of. Just when he thought he'd run out of options the answer hit him.... Or rather the answer hit the front door and began threatening to eat it with some Fava beans and a fine Chianti. Kain ran down the stairs and opened the door  
"Hello Clarice" Turel said smoothly  
Kain eyes narrowed  
As insane as Turel might have been certain protective instincts managed to scrambles up through his thoughts and take over  
"Did I say Clarice? I meant Kain the mighty and powerful lord of everything" said Turel desperately  
Kain considered this for a moment and eventually decided it would do.  
"ah Turel, I have a favor to ask of you. Would you like to be my best man? and I would also like to inform you that answering no would be a very unwise decision"  
"Errr.. yes" hazarded Turel  
"Fabulous" said Kain as he got the keys to his car  
"Oh by the way weren't you locked up in an insane asylum?" Kain asked conversationally  
"Oh I escaped replied" Turel happily  
"How did you get here?"  
"Dumah and the others gave me a lift"  
"We're are they now?"  
"Oh, I got rid of them" said Turel with a malicious grin on his face  
  
  
Some 10 miles away Dumah, Rahab, Zephon and Melchiah stood outside a bathroom  
"He said he'd only be 5 minutes and that was an hour ago!" complained Rahab  
"Go in and check on him then" said Dumah  
"Er... no" said Rahab quickly  
"Someone's going to have to eventually." Said Dumah calmly  
"I nominate Melchiah1" shouted Melchiah  
".... You do realise that means you have to do it" said Zephon slowly  
"What! no I've been tricked!" Shrieked Melchiah  
Dumah and Rahab pushed him in to the bathroom  
"He's not in here Melchiah" shouted from inside  
"What?!" replied Dumah, Rahab and Zephon in unison  
The window open though continued Melchiah as he walked out of the bathroom  
"We've just let a maniac loose on the world!" Said a distraught Zephon  
"Once they find us we're dead!" said Rahab  
"Wait lets go to Mexico! No one will find us there! Sun, Sea and Sand!" Said Dumah excitedly  
The Brethren were quiet for a while  
"But.... I don't like sand..." said Melchiah unhappily  
"Okay forget that, here's the plan, when anyone asks us about Turel we kill them and assume their identity!" Said Rahab  
"Good plan, now we better get going to the wedding. Who knows maybe Turel is there... "said Zephon  
"He said Turel!" Shouted Dumah "Kill him!!"  
"ARGGHHH!!!!!"   
  
  
  
Once again the floor of Janos's motel room was pushed up and Raziel clambered out. Glass cracked underneath his feet. He looked down at the floor and say the shattered remains of Moebius's orb and Janos's signed photo of batman.  
"Janos?!" Said a panicked Raziel  
There was a weak coughing noise coming from the bedroom. Raziel ran into the room and he saw Janos lying in his bed with about 5 blankets over him.   
"Janos I have failed you" said Raziel sadly  
"Ah, I'm fine" said Janos weakly   
"I will get the fiends who are responsible for this" shouted Raziel  
"No that's all right, but if you wouldn't mind popping down to the chemist and..." Janos began  
"I reclaim your black heart!" said Raziel as he ran out of the room  
What are you talking about? said Janos  
But it was too late Janos could already hear the sound of his window being smashed  
"The door Raziel............. ACHOO!!"  
  
  
The circle of nine sat in the church. Well that's technically not true since no one had any idea where Ariel was ( not that they particularly cared anyway), only half of Nupraptor had been found after the Girl scout headquarters had been blown up and Moebius had officially been thrown out of the circle. So really the circle of 6.5 sat in the church.   
"I don't know why we're even here" complained bane "I was doing some really important work"  
"Bane, trying to motorize the lord of the rings characters hardly qualifies as important work " said Mortainius  
"Tell that to Robo-Frodo.." said bane moodily  
"That cloaks really getting on my nerves" said an irritated Anarcrothe  
"Well it's the only thing I can wear!" said Dejoule sharply "I'd take it off but then you'd probably die of radiation poisoning!"  
Anarcrothe considered this for a moment  
"... I think I'm prepared to risk it" he said slowly  
Dejoule scowled at him and slapped him  
"What?!" said a confused Anarcrothe  
Mortainius looked over at Anarcrothe and Dejoule.  
"Foolish mortals. Running the course of their insignificant lives. They will never know the true power of death. I am the defeater of death, it is mine to control." Mortainius thought to himself "The circle is just a group of powerless fools without me. Without me the world would crumble and...."  
Mortainius was interrupted when a ball of paper hit him in the back of the head followed by loud sniggering from behind him. He looked back angrily at hash ak Gik and Malek  
What? said Malek innocently  
"Something wrong there Mortainius?" said hash  
Mortainius scowled and turned around.  
"See I told you I could get him" Malek whispered to hash  
"That's nothing I bet I can hit bane and Mortainius in one shot" boasted hash  
"I'd like to see that!" said a disbelieving Malek  
Hash got another ball of paper and threw it at bane. It bounced of one of Bane's antlers and smacked Mortainius in the side of his head  
Mortainius jumped to his feet his eyes glowing with rage. Blue electricity crackled across his body.  
"I will destroy you" he roared  
"Stop that!" Said azimuth angrily  
Mortainius turned to confront her but he confidence abandoned him because she kept glaring at him. Never underestimate the power of a three eyed glare  
"You go stand in the corner and think about what you've done!" said Azimuth sternly  
Mortainius hung his head in shame and walked over to the corner of the church  
Malek and hash started sniggering again.   
"I don't know what you two are laughing about! You're going to have to stand in the corner too!" she continued  
"You dare to try and control me?! Said hash defiantly I am hash ak Gik, the unspoken, the.... the.... I'll just go over to that corner then" he finished weakly because azimuth kept glaring at him  
Malek and hash trudged off to the corner of the church  
"Separate corners!" she shouted after them as she sat down  
The rest of the circle had a shocked expression on their faces well except for Nupraptor who was too busy decomposing to worry about anything  
  
  
Raziel stopped over at Kain house to pick up the soul Reaver. Kain wasn't there but Raziel was sure he wouldn't mind if he took it, it was him after all. He ran down the street until he came to a huge building. It was a Monastery that was run by the monks of the sacred heart so Raziel had come to the conclusion that they must have stolen Janos's heart.  
"this arcane door handle gave me access to the Monastery" Raziel said to himself  
Raziel opened the door and he saw two monks standing in the hallway  
"errr... sorry sir but guests have to use the font door" said one of the monks  
"I recognised these two from their charity work... in life as monks, and in social life as George and Tim  
George and Tim, the cheapest of the brotherhood ... they would never buy a round of drinks down at the pub" said Raziel, once again talking to himself  
"I resent that!" said brother Tim angrily "I brought a round just last week for your information"  
Raziel ignored them and proceeded to horrible murder them and reave their souls  
Raziel continued to run around the monastery randomly slaughtering any monks he met until he came to a large chamber. Their was monk in the room with his back turned  
"Turn and face me!" Raziel shouted  
The figure turned around  
"Yes, brother?" Said the monk calmly  
"Return Janos's heart!" Raziel demanded  
"What are you talking about, brother?" Said the puzzled monk  
"You had your chance. Now you die!" Raziel hissed as he drove the Reaver up through the monk  
"I denounce you Raziel" said with finality  
The monk head dropped. Suddenly Raziel heard a faint clapping noise and the monk began to shake  
His head snapped up. He caught Raziel head and started punching him  
Raziel stumbled backwards taking the Reaver with him.  
The monk ripped of his monks robe  
Raziel reeled backwards with an expression of pure shock on his face  
"That's right brother!" said Hollywood Monk Hogan "Wahtcha gonna do when the monkamanics run wild on you?!!"  
"Raziel started to swing the Reaver at him in desperation but Hogan blocked all the swings  
He stuck out his arm an started shaking his finger at Raziel.  
Raziel in a complete panic brought the Reaver over his head and swung it down with all his strength  
Hogan just caught the Reaver with one hand and punch Raziel right on the head with the other   
Raziel fell to the ground and Hollywood monk Hogan connected with the Hogan legdrop. Raziel was knocked into the spectral ream. But the Hogan legdrop was so powerful Raziel didn't even have the strength to maintain his spectral form. He was doomed to float around in the spectral ether. Well at least it would give him some time to try and figure out what had just happened  
  
  
"Stalemate Magnus! The vote is tied!" Said the Sarafan lord triumphantly  
"Meat!!" Magnus said levelly  
"Ah that's where your wrong for mine is the waiting game. Soon biscuits will get the vote and as long as I have not lost in time I am sure to win!"  
"But I have not yet cast my vote.." said a rather weak voice  
The Sarafan lord spun around to see Janos who was wearing three jumpers and still shivering  
"Janos! What right have you to vote!" Said the enraged Sarafan lord  
"What right do you have to run for election?!" Said Janos defiantly  
"It is my vengeance on behalf of the biscuits! But cast your vote, there is only ten minutes left and in your weakened condition you will not vote in time!"  
"We shall see..." said Janos as he shuffled forward  
"Go then see what the democratic election system makes of you!" The Sarafan lord shouted after him  
"Meat!" Said Magnus  
"Well you would say that wouldn't you?"  
"Meat!" Said Magnus confidently  
Pah! Lets see if your still saying that after the election  
Minutes passed and Janos didn't emerge. The Sarafan lord thought his victory was assured.  
"Times up Magnus! I win"! Shouted the Sarafan lord  
"Meat!" Said Magnus as he pointed towards the booth  
"What?!" said the Sarafan lord in disbelief as he watched Janos walk out of the polling booth.  
"NO!!!" the Sarafan lord screamed "it can't be!"  
"A term in office is too good for you Hylden" Janos said to the Sarafan lord spitefully "but not for you vampire" he said as he turned to Magnus  
Meat! Said Magnus gratefully  
Magnus and Janos left and the Sarafan lord hung his head in shame. He had failed, despair overwhelmed him. His running for election had not averted the biscuits fate, it had merely postponed it  
History abhors biscuit freedom.......  
  
  
  
Kain stood at the front of the church shuffling nervously. It's an unsettling feelings to know that t5here is an entire roomful of people you killed sitting behind you. Turel was grinning maniacally to himself but then again Turel was usually grinning maniacally to himself. The doors of the church opened and here comes the bride began to play. Umah walked gracefully up to the altar. The bishop of meridian began to speak  
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered her to.....aaa....auuugghhhh...khaa.." the bishop began to mumble incoherently  
"What's wrong old man?" asked Kain  
The bishop didn't reply but at that moment Kain's mobile phone began to ring  
"Hello?" said Kain  
"Hello Kain" replied a very smug voice  
"Marcus! What have you done to the bishop?!"  
"He speaks only when I tell him to Kain!"  
"Well could you tell him to speak soon, I'm wearing a rented tuxedo here"  
"No Kain, I won't. I'm being really evil and there's nothing you can do about it!'  
".... Well I could think of eviler things you could have done"  
"oh just shut up!" said Marcus before he hung up  
Bit of a problem with the old bishop here. I won't go into the details but I doubt he'll be doing the wedding anytime soon Kain said to Umah  
Umah looked panicked  
"Call the monastery maybe they'll have someone that could do it!" she said desperately  
Kain picked up his phone and dialed the monastery  
"Sorry, Brother. There're is no one available to take your call. Please leave you name and number after the beep and I'll be sure to Monk up and use my monk powers to call you back!"  
Kain put his phone away  
"We don't have a priest" he said simply  
  
  
There is a common legend that is told throughout elderberry avenue. A mysterious group of individuals traversing time and space. Using there powers of plotline progression they fight the malicious and cruel writers block. And if your lucky enough to find them maybe you can hire...... The Author-Team!  
And as luck would have it the A-Team's van had just pulled up outside the church. And they meant business.... Or at least some sort of small financial enterprise. The door swung open and a figure wearing a black cloak jumped out.   
"Aren't you coming Popeland? This is your mission you know" the cloaked figure asked  
"Yeah I know but who'd watch the van?" replied Popeland from inside the van  
"Well you could just lock the door" replied the cloaked figure  
Are you crazy Orpheum?! Some sucka might steal it and no body drives ma van but me, Foo!! Popeland shouted  
There was silence for a while  
"...... sorry me and the van have got some sort of weird connection going on here" said Popeland eventually  
Orpheum Zero shrugged and walked in trough the back door of the church and Popeland was left alone  
"I ain't going on no plane either, Foo!" He shouted to no one in particular  
  
  
Umah was pacing around nervously at the front of the church.   
Kain was sitting down, still in the process of trying to figure out who the hell Umah was  
"we could get Raziel to do it, he's a Sarafan highpriest! Said Umah  
"No" said Kain quickly who after that strange dream didn't feel safe with any version of Raziel  
Kain looked over at Turel  
"What do you think" he asked  
Well I'm giving serious thought to eating your wife he said menacingly  
"Turel, she's not my wife yet"  
"Ah damn" said Turel  
A small door at the front of the church opened and Orpheum zero walked out wearing priests clothes.  
"Who are you ?"said Umah suspiciously  
"Me? ....I'm...... I'm the back up priest..... yeah, that's it" said Orpheum   
"Finally!" said Umah excitedly  
Kain looked back and he froze. He didn't know this man but he kept thinking of things like karaoke clubs and new years parties. Also the world parody popped up quite a lot.   
"Dearly beloved..." Orpheum began  
"We've done that! Just get to the important bit" said an irritated Umah  
fine then.. Ahem... Umah do you take this man to be your lawfully wedding till death do you part... and by death I mean the type of death that doesn't allow you to move around afterwards? Asked Orpheum  
"I do" she replied  
"Kain do you take Umah to be your lawfully wedded wife till death, a real proper one, do you part?" said Orpheum to Kain  
"Well..... I. ..err ..." muttered Kain until Umah stamped on his foot "Ow! I do! I do!"  
"If anyone here as any objections speak now or forever hold your peace"   
As one person everyone turned round and looked expectantly at the door waiting for someone to rush in and stop the wedding  
  
  
Vorador stopped outside the giant double doors of the church. he had to tell Kain who Umah was before they got married. He knocked open both of the doors and screamed at the top of his lungs  
STOP THE WEDDING!!   
Everyone in the courtroom turned around slowly and looked at him  
Vorador looked down at the battered wedding invitation and checked the address. But he also noticed a little note written under it  
"Tough luck Vorador"  
Needless to say the judge wasn't impressed. Vorador was charged for disrupting the court and sentenced to two weeks imprisonment.   
  
  
Meanwhile back at the real church the doors remained firmly shut.   
"Well then, if no one objects." With the power invested in me, not officially though, I pronounce you... but before Orpheum Zero could finish he was interrupted  
"You pronounce nothing!" shouted Moebius as doors of the church opens  
"Moebius?" said a surprised Kain   
"Yes me! You thought you could beat me?! You think you can just have me thrown out of the circle?" shouted Moebius angrily  
"Well....... Yes" replied Kain  
"Well the jokes on you! How can you make a circle with only eight members?!!....." Moebius was silent for a while as he worked out the geometry  
"Forget I said that. Now you all die!!" he shouted  
Moebius took a remote out of the pocket and opened the top of his robe to reveal he was strapped with explosives  
"You all laughed at me! Who's laughing now?!!!"  
"........who?" said a voice from the crowd  
"ME!! That's who!!! Hahahahahaha!" said Moebius insanely  
"Your mad Moebius" said Kain  
"Yeah I know" said Faustus from the crowd. "This is a formal occasion, he should be wearing something like this"  
Faustus stood up to reveal he was actually wearing a suit completely covered in c4  
"The hats made out of a claymore mine" he said proudly  
"Errrrrr...... Faustus... could you please sit down, slowly? said Sebastian carefully  
"Excuse me!" Moebius shouted "This is my moment here! You all hated me! And now your all going to pay!"  
  
  
  
Popeland: Gasp!!  
Is Raziel doomed for all eternity?  
Will Moebius kill everyone?  
Tune in next chapter !!  
Review!  
  
P.S: thank you for reading this chapter which I personally thought wasn't as good as the other chapters. But hey I originally intended this to be a three chapter fanfiction which I was going to write until I got past my writers block on my other fics. Oh I was soooooo wrong..... 


	10. The Theatre of Grand Gin Roll

The Wait is finaly over! I welcome you to Chapter 10  
  
The Threatre of Grand..er.. gin roll or something  
  
Kain watched on in mute horror as he Moebius prepared to press the detonator. But suddenly the air in the church began to shimmer and warp. Kain could feel time slowing down around him yet he seemed unaffected  
  
He looked around and say the scene of the church frozen in time  
  
"Kain.." said a voice  
  
He spun around to see the specter of Ariel  
  
"I was wondering where you were" said Kain  
  
"Once more you make a choice that determines the fate of others. But what will you choose?"  
  
Suddenly two cards materialized before Kain.  
  
"Wait a minute...." said Kain with a perplexed look on his face "I'm supposed to choose between the Queen of Spades and an eight of Diamonds?"  
  
"What?!" said Ariel before she looked at the cards "Ah damn! I brought the wrong deck!"  
  
"I can give you a two sided coin if you want" suggested Kain helpfully  
  
Ariel eyes narrowed  
  
"Oh don't think your going to edge your way out of this one!" She said acidly  
  
"Fine..." said a disappointed Kain " hold on a minute! Your telling me you've been lurking around this entire time with a set of giant novelty cards?! You need to get a better job women!"  
  
"Oh shut up!" Shouted Ariel "anyway, The Queen of Spades means you sacrifice yourself but everyone lives but the eight of Diamonds means you survive but everyone else will die..... the choice is your Kain" she said dramatically  
  
Kain looked thoughtful  
  
"And try not to screw it up this time" she added  
  
There was a long silence in which Kain considered his options  
  
"For gods sake Kain! there are only 2 bloody cards to choose from!" Ariel shouted   
  
Kain remained silent  
  
"That's it, I'm going to choose for you!" Ariel screamed  
  
Ariel clutched the Queen of Hearts  
  
"Now you die Kain!" she hissed  
  
Ariel and the card disappeared and Time returned to normal inside the church  
  
"This is my vengeance!!" Screamed Moebius madly.  
  
There was a loud cracking noise that echoed throughout the entire church  
  
Moebius stood wit h a bemused expression on his face. He swayed for a second before he fell to the ground  
  
Kain stood over him still clutching the giant Eight of Diamond he knocked Moebius out with  
  
"I choose the BACK of the card!" said Kain triumphantly  
  
The shock of Kain's monumental decision reverberated across the entire street.  
  
And some of the street residents weren't too happy about it  
  
And so in the depths of sea world a light flickered. A faint image could be made out before it vanished. Once again the image appeared and this time the shape of a body could be seen before the image once again blinked out of existence. There was a flash of intense light and Raziel finally appeared. He fell to his knees, physically exhausted from his return to the physical realm  
  
"I know you Raziel, you are worthy..." said a voice  
  
"What madness is this? How I have I come to this place?" Raziel demanded  
  
I" have brought you back to this world, you have been reborn" the voice replied  
  
"I am the same!" Raziel pointed out  
  
"That's not the point!" said the voice angrily "I have spared you from total dissolution, Raziel. You are in my debt!"  
  
There was a moment of silence  
  
"Wait a minute! Who are you?" said Raziel suspiciously  
  
"Me? Er.....well... I'm..." said the Elder God nervously "......I am Charlie!"  
  
"Well Charlie could you explain to me why you have brought me here" said a clearly unconvinced Raziel  
  
"I have a mission of up most importance for you. You must kill Kain and return balance to this street"  
  
"Why?" said a puzzled Raziel?  
  
"because it is your destiny Raziel" said the elder God who had thought up a backup plan in case Raziel broke with tradition and actually questioned orders from a mysterious creature.   
  
"you expect me to blindly follow these orders because you claim it is my fate! Do not take me for a fool!" replied Raziel angrily  
  
"You don't have to take my word for it Raziel, simply examine the murals decorating this ancient chamber.."  
  
Raziel sighed and looked at the walls. They were several pieces of paper stuck to the walls with crude crayon drawings on them. They showed a stick figure with the words "CaiNE" attacking a stick figure with the words JAmoS.   
  
These pictures should tell any regular citizen of Nosgoth that literacy is not a necessary skill if you want to be a giant squid and that crayons and tentacles don't work well together. But for Raziel a mural is a mural  
  
And you must not ever question murals  
  
"My god!" He said in disbelief "I must save Jamos!!..... I mean Janos!!!"   
  
"Yes! Now go , carry out your destiny! Become my... Charlie's angel!"  
  
Raziel he ran out of the room and the elder listened as the noise of Raziel frenzied footsteps faded into the distance  
  
"The wheel of Fate turns again...." said elder God dramatically  
  
"What was that?" Said Raziel as he stuck his head in the doorway  
  
"You heard that!? Ah nuts!..... I mean ....Er..... I said.... The feel of a gate learns a hen...." Said the elder god desperately  
  
"What?" said a confused Raziel  
  
.".Am... ancient Chinese proverb... now go kill Kain!!"  
  
Raziel shrugged and strolled out of the room  
  
"Huh...." Said the elder god eventually "could have sworn I got it that time.... Ah well"  
  
And so the Elder God went back to his book "The Power of Voice-over in 5 easy steps"  
  
He'd be damned if Kain and Raziel could have dramatic one liners and he couldn't  
  
Janos was lying on his couch with a blanket over him. he had a cup of cocoa in one hand and a digestive biscuit in the other  
  
He was starting to feel a bit better now and it wouldn't be much longer till he would be up and around.  
  
He slipped his cocoa and prepared to eat his biscuit  
  
"Don't hurt me!" said a small screechy voice  
  
Janos froze  
  
"W..who's there?" he said with a twinge of fear in his voice  
  
"Please don't eat me!" the voice cried again  
  
Janos looked slowly down at the biscuit  
  
"Please!!" it wailed  
  
His eyes opened in horror  
  
"Your alive!?!"  
  
"Yes!" Said the voice  
  
"Oh my god!! They are alive!! The Sarafan lord was right all along!!!"  
  
Then he realised the true gravity of the situation   
  
"oh my god!! I've been killing biscuits all along!!"  
  
Janos broke down into tears and ran crying out of his motel room  
  
"Hehehe... sucker" said the Sarafan lord as he jumped up from behind the couch  
  
He looked at the biscuit at the biscuit on the couch  
  
"Oh don't look at me like that!! He can't hear you! I had to do it!" he shouted at the biscuit " I just saved your life!"  
  
The biscuit stayed motionless on the couch  
  
"The ends justify the means my digestive friend" replied the Sarafan lord "Sorry, I must go. I have a lot of couches to hide behind"  
  
The Sarafan lord strode out of the motel room with a spring in his step  
  
Once again there was hope....  
  
Hope for Biscuits  
  
There was a quite a crowd forming around the unconscious body of Moebius.  
  
"So... what should we do?" Asked Bane  
  
"I think we should eat him with some fava beans and a fine Chianti...." suggested Turel  
  
"Nah" said Anarcrothe dissmissivly "I don't really like fava beans"  
  
"Ahem! "Said Umah angrily " I think we're all forgetting why we're here!"  
  
Everyone fell quite  
  
"We're here to look through the pocket of an unconscious time streamer, right?" said Mortainius  
  
"No! The wedding!!" Umah screamed  
  
The was a general murmur of "oh right" and "So where not here to rob Moebius? I suppose I better put this watch back"  
  
Everyone shuffled back to their seats  
  
"You may continue" said Umah to the priest  
  
"Umah... there's no one there" said Kain  
  
"What?! Where'd the priest go?"  
  
"Hey there's a not stuck to the bishop of meridian head "pointed out Turel who had just wandered into sanity  
  
Kain walked over to the bishop and removed the note from his head  
  
"Agghhhh urgghhhh gahhhhhh.... "The bishop replied  
  
"Your welcome" said Kain absentmindedly  
  
There was silence in the church as he read the note  
  
"Apparently I just have to give you the ring and we're finished"  
  
"Okay then!" Said Umah happily "will you please give me the ring Kain"  
  
Kain reached into his pocket and took out a ring  
  
"I meant to give it to Turel but he kept threatening to eat it" explained Kain  
  
"And I meant it too! "Said Turel proudly  
  
Umah grabbed the ring  
  
"Oh Kain! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! It's wonderful! It's fantastic! It's.... it's...." she stopped for a moment and examined the ring closely "it's Vorador's ring covered in tinfoil"  
  
The color drained out of Kain face leaving it a light olive green  
  
"Hey, it's still nice! I had to travel through a heavily decorated, luxurious and beautifully furnished mansion to get that!" Said Kain  
  
Umah glanced at the ring and a glimmer of fear could be seen in her eyes  
  
"You don't suppose it still works after all this time, do y...." Said Umah before she was interrupted by a blinding flash  
  
And there in the center of the church a rather dazed Vorador appeared  
  
Outside the church Popeland hummed to himself in the A-Team Van  
  
Thoughts ran through his head about turning the van into a tank with only a sheet of plywood and pitying fools  
  
The door of the van swung open and Orpheum Zero hopped in  
  
"Okay, consider the writers block destroyed. I guess it's time for us to.... Popeland?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Where did you get all that gold jewelry from?"  
  
"Er..." said Popeland as he tried to think of an excuse "..... Look I swear the van made me do it!!"  
  
"Riiggggghhttttt....." said Orpheum   
  
"Anyway! It's time to go, foo!!" Said Popeland as he slammed his foot down on the accelerator  
  
"The handbrake is on" said Orpheum zero calmly  
  
"I know that......foo" said Popeland as he released the handbrake  
  
"Now I really have to go home now, I think I left the oven on" said Orpheum  
  
The van screeched off down the street and through a plot hole  
  
And so the A-Team left the street. But maybe if your lucky enough to find them maybe you can hire...... The Author-Team!   
  
The Fact that it's only official member is Popeland shouldn't put you off either because  
  
When writers block starts hassling decent, honest authors. I make it my business!  
  
"Vorador!" Umah hissed  
  
"Agh!" Vorador shouted as he jumped back from Umah "Er...... can I have a word Kain?"  
  
"Well I'm kinda in the middle of something" replied Kain  
  
"It's really important" said Vorador who stood with a terrified expression on his face as Umah continuing glaring at him  
  
"Fine" said Kain eventualy  
  
Vorador and Kain walked over to the corner of the church  
  
"Look, this better not be a the talk about the birds and the bees and the powers of necromancy!" said Kain  
  
"No, no. It's about Umah" vorador assured him  
  
"Well what about her?"  
  
":She's evil!!" Vorador said dramatically  
  
"Yeah? So?" said a clearly unimpressed kain  
  
"Well... I thought that statement would have a bit more of an effect" said Vorador  
  
"Look Vorador, So what if she's evil? I'm evil, your evil. Everyone on this street is evil!"  
  
"Yeah, but she stole the nexus stone from you!" continued Vorador  
  
"Well I've stolen a hundred hearts from Janos and we're still friends" said Kain  
  
"But.... But" vorador stuttered  
  
"Look Vorador, I appreciate you looking out for me but I can take care of myself. Can't you just be happy for both of us?"  
  
"I suppose...." Said Vorador who had really lost track of the conversation  
  
"Good. Now how about you let me get on with this wedding"  
  
Kain strode back to the front of the church and Vorador walked off to seats in shock  
  
"I guess all that left now it to kiss the bri...." Began Kain before Umah interrupted him by kissing him  
  
"Ahhhhhhh....." said the crowd  
  
Azimuth had a tears in here eyes, all three of them  
  
"Oh, I'm no good at weddings!" She cried before blowing her nose  
  
Kain and Umah joined hands and walked slowly down the aisle.  
  
Vorador sat in his seat and shook his head  
  
"He is so dead!" Vorador said aloud to himself  
  
"I'm betting he won't survive the week" said Sebastian conversationally  
  
Vorador looked aghast  
  
"Your betting?!!" He said disgusted   
  
Then Vorador paused and thought before adding  
  
"And no one told me?!"  
  
Raziel ran down the street of Elderberry avenue. Occasionally stopping to kill a few pedestrians  
  
Raziel didn't know where he was supposed to be going but he never did. He just automatically assumed that there was only one path he could possibly take.  
  
A theory that hadn't failed him yet and wasn't about to start.   
  
He arrived at the Seer inn, where the Wedding reception was in full swing  
  
And so Raziel Entered the Seer inn  
  
Rahab stopped the car and stepped out onto the street. He was the only one left since Melchiah and Dumah had both mentioned Turel on the drive to elderberry avenue. So now Rahab had to pretend to be Zephon, Melchiah and Dumah, but there was no task too hard for the talented Mr Rahab. He stood on the pavement and looked around. However only moments earlier Moebius had regained consciousness in the church and made a run for it before anyone realises he was gone and so the frenzied Moebius swerved round a corner and ran straight into him  
  
Moebius then stumbled backwards and fell over.  
  
"Rahab!" He said shocked  
  
"How do you know my name? We have never met ..."said a suspicious Rahab  
  
"Infact I knew you quite well when you were a member of the Sarafan brotherhood" said Moebius ".... In fact I still know you as a member of the Sarafan brotherhood... you live just down the road"  
  
"Did you know..." said Rahab as he leaned closer to Moebius ".. Turel?"  
  
"Yes! Yes I knew him really well!" said Moebius desperately  
  
"I see.. "said Rahab thoughtfully before he clubbed Moebius over the head. Moebius crumpled to the ground  
  
Rahab picked up Moebius and placed him in the back of his car. And then Rahab drove off.  
  
No one ever saw either Rahab or Moebius again...... but no one particularly cared anyway  
  
There was a buzz of excitement inside the Seer inn. Not because of the wedding but because Sebastian was now giving 12 to one odds Kains would survive three days  
  
"Congratulations Kain" said the seer  
  
"Oh thanks" replied Kain  
  
"I hope you'll be very happy.... For no less than three days" said the seer as she winked conspiratorially  
  
"Eh..... why are you nudging me like that?"  
  
"Oh no reason" she said airily  
  
Suddenly there was a loud crash as the doors were kicked open. Then there was loud swearing as the doors bounced off the wall and slammed shut on someone's toes  
  
Kain sighed and he heard the doors open again  
  
"I know your there Raziel" said Kain without turning around  
  
"No you don't!" said Raziel confidently  
  
"What do you want Raziel?" said Kain tiredly  
  
"I'm here to avenge Janos!!"  
  
"Why what happened to him?"  
  
"....er....... well you killed him"  
  
"No I didn't"  
  
"Look I'm not interested in the fine details here!" Said Raziel angrily "Die Kain!!"  
  
Raziel leapt at Kain who dodged effortlessly. Raziel spun around and landed on his feet  
  
"No Raziel! Don't do it!" Pleaded Mortainius as he checked his watch "just wait another....... half hour then you can kill him!!"  
  
Raziel swung at Kain but once again Kain dodged  
  
"Raziel, Janos will never learn anything if you keep babying him" said Kain  
  
"What?" said Raziel as he stopped momentarily  
  
"You can't go out avenging him everytime someone calls him a name or rips out his heart! He needs to learn to be independent"  
  
Raziel looked thoughtful for a moment  
  
"Your right!!" Said Raziel "he needs to learn to stand up for himself!"  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"No, no! don't listen to him" said Hash "You should kill him in this hour! I mean you should have heard all the mean things he was saying about you before!!"  
  
"Like what?" inquired Raziel  
  
"He said......" Hash stopped "..... he said you were fat" Hash finished lamely  
  
"He never said that!" shouted the Sarafan Turel " but he might in 2 days time"  
  
"Why are you winking at me like that" asked Raziel suspiciously  
  
"Oh no reason" said the Sarafan Turel airily  
  
"Well as long as you're here Raziel, I'd like you to meet my new wife....... Hey where's Umah?" Said kain  
  
"Oh she went home" said DeJoule  
  
"Oh she did?" Said Kain as he considered this "hmmmm.... Yes maybe I should head home too... right now..... hehehe"  
  
Kain ran out of the Seer inn grinning madly  
  
"What was all that about" asked a confused Raziel  
  
Vorador patted Raziel on the shoulder  
  
"I think it's time you and me had a talk, lad." Said Vorador "About the Birds, the bees and the powers of necromancy"  
  
Kains burst through the door of his bedroom  
  
"Here's Kain!" he shouted enthusiastically  
  
"That's very nice dear" said Umah as she continued to remove items from Kains closet  
  
"Huh..... your wearing more clothes than I would have expected." Said Kain "Hey wait a minute! What are you doing with my stuff!! As for the first time he noticed there was a giant shredder in the room and Umah was stuffing several of Kains most prized possessions into a black rubbish bag  
  
"Oh this is all the old Kains stuff, the new Kain won't need it" she replied  
  
"..... new Kain?" aksed Kain, the Old Kain by the way  
  
"Well your married now"  
  
"But I like being old Kain!" Kain complained   
  
"Oh but you'll love being new Kain!" said Umah conversationally as she emptied a box of hearts of darkness into a bag  
  
"No! not my collection of black hearts! They still beat!"! Pleaded Kain  
  
"Oh you won't need them any more" as she took a suit of armor out of the closet "I mean really, flesh armor! What possible use could that have?"  
  
Kain watched as the flesh armor was ripped apart by the shredder  
  
Next the bone armor, and then Havoc and Malice  
  
He knew what he had to do  
  
"Your right dear.." The new Kain admitted  
  
"I'm glad you agree"  
  
Kain was over to the closet and began to throw his old stuff in a rubbish bag  
  
Halfway through emptying out his flaw collection he handed out a suit of armor to Umah  
  
"Don't forget this one" he said sadly  
  
Umah took the armor and threw it in the shredder  
  
Then Umah twitched and then fell motionless to the floor  
  
"Oh deary me. That's wasn't the Chaos armor I handed you was it?" Kain said in surprise "oh silly me! It has a nasty habit of reflecting any damage done to it..... Oh and now it's in pieces! Ah well such is unlife is guess"  
  
and so Kain whistled to himself as he carefully put back his dark heart collection  
  
In the depths of Sea World the voice of the Elder God echoed through the empty hallways  
  
" No, sir. Unfortunately Raziel failed in his attempt to kill Kain"  
  
"No sir, I don't believe Kain will be a problem to us if we act now"  
  
"Yes, sir. The plan is only seconds away from coming into operation"  
  
"Yes sir, I do seem to be repeating every question you ask me before answering"  
  
"Yes sir, that would be extremely useful for someone who can only hear one side of the conversation"  
  
"Yes sir, I'll inform our agent"  
  
"A pleasure to hear from you as always"  
  
"Mr. Mayor........."  
  
Bane hung his cloak on the hatstand as he entered his super, super secret lab (the Basement)  
  
The switched on the light and marveled at his latest creation  
  
But now he wondered about this mysterious benefactor who had financed his work and who had called him back from the wedding reception to activate the device  
  
Bane shrugged. All he knew was that this device would truly revolutionize the way of life on the street, if not the planet  
  
And so the terrible destiny of elderberry avenue finally came to be  
  
As bane the druid activated..... SHIRENET  
  
On 27th of January 2004. Shirenet first became active. A giant super computer designed to manage the day to day running of elderberry avenue. However Mayor Magnus the First had supreme control over it. A reign of tyranny descended upon the street  
  
That is until November 3rd 2005  
  
At exactly 12:45 GMT Shirenet became self aware  
  
Magnus tried to deactivate the computer but it was too late  
  
An army of motorized Lord of the rings characters eliminated all opposition leaving few survivors.  
  
And so ends the Age of the Legacy of Kain  
  
And so begins the First Age Of Metal Earth  
  
THE END.....................................  
  
Or perhaps only the beginning  
  
The Hobb-Bots relentlessly dug away at the soil. This was to be there last line of defense against the dark legions of Mechdor and the advancing army of the White Wizard, Sarutron. The Shovel of A robo-frodo struck something hard and he stopped. He knelt down and brushed away some of the earth. He had hit solid concrete which wasn't very surprising considering this had once been a town in the first age metal earth.  
  
But something else caught his eye. He lifted it out of the dirt and examined it  
  
Only one thing was visible on the ancient relic, the words "readers Digest"  
  
Suddenly the earth beneath robo-frodo began to shake and crack. A hand shot out of the ground and caught rob frodo's leg. A bald head burst out of the ground   
  
"GOT YOU NOW KAIN!!" Marcus screamed in triumph  
  
Popeland: ah....... It's over.......   
  
I kinda miss it  
  
But I bet no one saw that ending coming!!!!!  
  
I must admit this chapter had it's moments but this Fanfictions Golden age ending a long time ago  
  
Now time for some very specail thank you to  
  
Orpheum Zero, Concept of a Demon, Wolfywoman, Nocturnally-Damned (previously know as Lilith if my memory serves me), The Shadow Dragon, Lady Yoda, Bahamut Epyon, Metal Gear Prime, Yoda, Silmuen, Chalcedony Blue, Soul Shard, Vamps_ r_Kewl, Psycho Virus238, Vampiric Entity, angelgardian666 , Dark Sephy, Vladimirs Angel, CrownOfRust, Elzira and Blood of Angels  
  
All really great people! With impecable taste!  
  
Special thanks go to:  
  
Ultimate Ganon- For providing a forum to spam up and a idea for this final chapter. Check out the forum if you all want.... I'm there sometimes.   
  
http://pub152.ezboard.com/bthearcanesanctuary  
  
Olam- Me good buddy, me good pal. Half the idea in the story I thought up during MSN conversations with him. He has two Fanfcictions and I really strongly suggest you look them up  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1486906  
  
And  
  
Comical yet Tragic Misunderstandings in LOK  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1449418  
  
They could do with some reviews ya know.... *hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge*  
  
Yocal Pope- For giving honest opinions and not making fun of me. And of course for all those pieces of Smarties bar.... Mmmmmm smarties bar  
  
Finaly, just a general question  
  
Anyone have a favorite character?  
  
And would anyone be interested in a special Outakes chapter?  
  
Believe me there are many, many outakes I just couldn't fit in  
  
Also anyone interested in a sequel?  
  
Thanks everyone! And goodbye!!! 


End file.
